2016: What do you want to do, what will you do, and what can you do?

I fall into the excitement every year of the notion of using the New Year and boring winter following the excitement of the holidays to use as a marker of new-er beginnings, a time most available to focus on positive changes and new endeavors.  Honestly, I think it's a bit cliche', too, but ya feel what ya feel, ya know?

Resolutions are the buzz word this time of year, but we often forget the resolve that must be present to help make those resolutions come to fruition.  So I've found it breaks down like this most commonly:

• There's resolutions I want to make (lose a bunch of weight, get fit, new job, move, everything everyone else wants...)
• There's resolutions I will do (at least try to be more diligent in better food choices, meal-planning and preparing, consistent schedules for working out, blah blah blah, keep up with my blog because I've found it to be a safe outlet, an important act of getting out some thoughts and feelings that proves to be therapeutic and worthwhile.)
• There's resolutions I can do.  

I came across this article that was a refreshing offering for resolutions "Only the Most Successful People Make."  I thought, "Hey.  What kinds of things are successful people committing to, and how can I implement that to be successful, too?"  What I loved about this list is it doesn't include trite things like "donate to a charity," or "adopt a road" or such things.  Don't get me wrong: if it's in your heart to do such things, PLEASE DO! I was part of a group that adopted a section of highway once and while it was hard work, loved driving that section later knowing I had a part in keeping the community safe and beautiful.  However, to reference these acts as something "only the most successful people do" in terms of a resolution, new-year-new-you, I think it's in poor taste.  Just my opinion, but I think resolutions should come from your heart, for something that blesses you.  Doing things for the glory doesn't seem congruent with that...

But I digress...

There were 17 resolutions, and I'll list some of my favs here.  The article is worth the read, so jump on over...after you finish reading this, of course... *wink*

• Start one thing you've always planned to start. You don't even have to finish! The fear of not being able to finish something has very often stopped me from even starting.  I can certainly commit to simply START on something, then check it as accomplished! Maybe I'll be brave enough to take another step, maybe I have to wait until next year to do it; who cares?  I officially started it, something I never did before.
• Ask one person for help.  NOT as a result of, "Look how brave you are recognizing your own limitations and seeking help..."  The article suggests that asking someone for help inherently acknowledges that persons skills and values, and conveys your respect and admiration for it.  What a great way to help someone feel great about just being them! AND that you get something from it to help in your efforts is just a huge bonus.  
• Just once, refuse to care what other people think.  Yeah, I know, it reads a little prosaic.  We all know this is what we're supposed to do.  I think the point was applying the concept specifically to something we'd like to try, and not letting our fear of what other people will think about it stop us from doing it.  I recall being terrified that once others found out I was planning to run my first Half Marathon and my reasons why, I would be faced with their doubt as to whether I could actually do it, their judgment regarding why I needed to do it...and maybe just seeing my own fear in their eyes...  But this was one time in my life I managed to refuse to care and forged forward anyway; and WHAT A REWARD!!  This blog entry is actually about my second time running that Half Marathon...because I didn't care what others thought. *high five*
• Embrace one thing another person does.  I mean, why recreate the wheel?! Look, we all have people we admire, would like to emulate, maybe even harness some envy over their abilities and accomplishments... How about pick something they do and incorporate it into your own routine/lifestyle?  Everything doesn't work for everyone, for sure...but I've learned feeding my emotions rarely gets me to my end goal, so I can stop embracing that as an option.  I'd like to embrace that chic at the gym's focus and seems to consistently show up at least 3 days/week...

So, these are just 4 of the 17.  Definitely read the original article, though.  I just found it to suggest such fun resolutions that I can see may easily lead to accomplishing some of those bigger resolutions later! It's helped to shift my perspective of what I want, will, and CAN do this new year.  *feeling hopeful*

How about you??

Planners: people AND books

Are you a planner?  Do you USE a planner?  What works best for you? Paper or electronic??

Goodness..you really have to plan to use a planner now... *eye roll*

Or...I'm once again making a bigger deal out of research than the actual act itself...IDK...

I have struggled in the recent 5 years with hard core switching over to electronic versions of everything, just because it's usually always with me because generally my phone can access it.  Dates, appointments, to-do lists (get shoved in the calendar, tasks, or notepad app on my iPhone), contact info...is ALL in my phone.

It's not sexy, though.  I mean, say I enter "Girl's Camp Weekend" in my August monthly calendar.  I want to be able to write little notes right there associated with it; lists to pack, purchase, or training plans in case those clowns plan another 5K race on our weekend, you know??  My husband has me linked to a couple of "list" apps that he and I can add to, complete, and update virtually so we both know what has been done and what remains...but I don't love it.  My brain doesn't always think in segments like that; food in grocery app, packing in another app, things to consider for later....goes where??

You see my dilemma.  BUT, I also worry I won't always have my tangible planner with me, then what?

(I just re-read this entry thus far and I'm embarrassed at the first-world-problem nature of it.  For the record...)

I've got big goals and dreams brewing this year, and I'm respond well to visual cues for organization. For the first time in quite a few years I have an excitement (which doesn't always = motivation, but you get it) flirting with possibility... Mixed with a little desperation that one day I may not be able to accomplish certain things, calls for focus and optimizing time, money, and ... well, whatever else gets in the way.

So, from my known audience of two, what do you like to use, if anything?  What have you found helpful/a waste?  Thank you in advance, you know who you are.  <3

It's the presents...and the presence.

It's cheeky, but you know it's true.

Presents:  OMG.  Shopping, budgeting, shopping, lists, cutbacks, tears, wrapping, running out of paper, running out of tape, 50 million one-last-gifts because you forgot someone...  It causes me to drink.  And eat.  MORE.  Just kidding, it just gave me better reasons to do so. *evil grin*  Seriously.  While I sincerely love every bit of friends and family gatherings, I'm the one that allows it to make me feel stressed.  Truthfully, I am fully aware if I were more organized it would lead to being more efficiently budgeted, and afford me the availability to do more of what I like during the holidays.  I mean, even participating in cookie exchanges, I have to find the time to figure out what I can bake, since I'm challenged in the kitchen, purchasing the ingredients, then baking 4-7 dozen of whatever! OH! and don't forget all the Kindergarten crafts, donations, parties, etc...  Again, I LOVE every bit of it.  I just don't manage the ancillary things in my life well enough to fully enjoy the other parts.  I'd love to do more, for everyone.

Presence:  I'm either partaking a little too much in the present, or not enough.  Too much in that every little thing is a celebration, gathering, excuse to eat and drink gluttonously.  I mean, I'm completely embracing being present in the moment and making the most of it! Pie? SURE! Cocktails? PLEASE! Second helpings? INDEED! Workout? Oh...um, I'd love to but I have a party to go to...  *snicker*  When I'm not enough in the present, it's for the above paragraph.  See my conundrum?

I have this constant nagging, justification...fear this ride will end 1/1/16: "Oh, I'll be more consistent with eating, working out, healthier lifestyle then...all the parties are over."  Not.  Good.  For whatever it's worth, I HAVE been making decent food choices when I'm not shoveling my face full of Christmas cookies, pies, decadence, and liquor.

Thankful at Thanksgiving

I've avoiding this damn blog because I was afraid of what I might write...  Processing things is a funny process...

To catch up, I'll just mention some things I found myself thinking about a week ago and for which I need to express my gratitude.  I swear, I'm thankful all year round, but this is a good time to call some special attention to some special things.

• I had to attend my final hearing related to (finally) the arrest of the person stalking me.  In some ways, I feel sorry for him; only because he was offered so many resources and help, but made conscious decisions not to make the most of them.  The result is a sentencing to 38 months in prison.  It's quite scary and am grateful I don't have to worry about every door slam outside of my home, or when it's too quiet, or the doorbell rings, or walking how of my home to see something traumatic that can't be undone...  I'm thankful to the judge who saw the situation for the severity it is, and has given my family some peace for a while.
• While I've experienced several relapses and experience outbreak symptoms, my MRI is stable on my current medication regime.  I'm thankful for my health and the ability to do as much as I still can.
• My dad and his family came to visit for the weekend, as well as my husband's mom, both from out of state.  We had a houseful, and it was fun! My daughter loved having family around, and I loved watching her enjoy their presence and share so many of her things with them like her stories, toys, and movies...maybe more than they would've care for at times, HA!  I'm thankful for my extensive family and the close relationships we have, and that my daughter is making the most of them as well.  She likes to remind me, "I'm bored when it's just the three of us!"
• I had the opportunity to teach at my church the weekend of Thanksgiving, and since my dad was in town, he came, too.  The subject was "Having Your Needs Met When You Need Them Met."  As always, it was a very timely topic for me to have to study and prepare to share with others.  The ways of this world make it so easy for me to be distracted and overwhelmed.  I've been full of angst and worry over the previous legal situation, my job, and the licensing for my education.  Oh how I forget that worrying about it, doesn't change the result, or make it come any faster.  It was comforting to be reminded that I need not be anxious for anything, but with prayer and supplication and thanksgiving, my needs will be met.  Whatever your belief system is, it's always nice to be grounded it in again.  I'm thankful I have a relationship with my God, that I can count on Him and have peace that my needs will be met.
• This year has been a pretty major transition in the friend department: I lost a lot of them.  Not to death, but more than likely my mouth.  I went through an ugly time period with health and life, and my attitude and disposition were difficult to be around.  I'm certain they'd have a less understanding description, but I think you get the picture.  It took a lot of growth, that I'm still endeavoring to do, and I've moving beyond it.  Unfortunately, my relationship with many suffered and ultimately were part of the carnage of my destructive path.  I feel heartbroken and sad over the loss, of course.  I've only recently gotten to the point where I understand I have to accept it and let go...AND embrace the meaningful friendships I am blessed to still have.  I am thankful for my friendships and value each and every one of them.
• I have met so many cool people over these last three years through running.  Following their blogs has provided information, inspiration, support, relatability, and ... a notion that I can achieve more! I am thankful I have been introduced to resources that will help keep me on track and propel me into further growth! 

It's not too early...or too late! Making 2016 goals.

I get the importance of having goals, in fact I LOVE the idea.  It's actually putting an idea into words that terrifies me.  I usually make general statements that loosely include something I MIGHT want to accomplish...that way no disappointment when I don't.

Something inside of me screams, "You're getting too old to worry about what you MIGHT not achieve, you may not have the ability to soon!"  I shared a secret desire what a fitness-fan friend of mine recently (Finding Her Happy Pace!).  It was the result of my actually reaching out to get some more information about how to find a coach or a training program that fits with me.  She connected me with some amazing resources, like OMG amazing.  It ACTUALLY seems feasible...attainable!

So...I've never made serious goals, with serious plans, with serious action.  It's never too late, right? ....right??

I'm not making them in this entry.  Just getting this far in the plan making is MUCH further than I ever have.  I WILL be making goals including objectives to help accomplish them.  It DOES include some fitness and overall health and wellness goals that are pretty special and significant to me, so stay tuned if you're interested.

I think it's worth mentioning that as I write this, I'm not feeling it.  I mean, my motivation ebbs and flows, my excitement does not.  I think it's pretty cool I still intend to follow through on such a thought, and it's not at the mercy of fleeting, lofty ideals.  So maybe you could consider it, too?  Do you have any secret desires or goals?  What would it take to start working on them?

I'm running the Kona Chocolate Double tomorrow in Plymouth.  I'm nervous! But I'm also excited and feeling blessed I'm still here planning to do it and able.  Small pleasures make for big deals.  :)

My First Detroit International Half Marathon Experience, with a view from the Back of the Pack

So all of the recommendations to do this race were spot on.  There's so much to this race that is unique for others in which I have participated!

First, the Expo was beyond overwhelming...in a good way.  I mean, where else can you get these sweet backdrops for photo opportunities?! Vi was thrilled to get a cowbell.  Yes, a cowbell. ("I need more cowbell!") I appreciated all the other vendors for some one-stop shopping and adding items to my Wish List.

Perhaps they have the backdrops set up during the Expo so they don't have yahoos trying to get one on the run:

I couldn't resist...

The route was pure excitement.  It's more than just the size of the spectator crowd, too.  I mean, it's not a loop, exactly, or an out and back.  It's literally a tour taking you from near Hart Plaza, across the Ambassador Bridge, along the riverside in Canada where the spectators were just as excited and supportive of the runners.  Then through the tunnel, which today provided a bit of warmth and break from the cold wind.  This is where I got to see my personal pit crew for the first time, a much-needed surprise, indeed.  Vi was yelling, "Go Mommy GOOOOO!" as she clapped and jumped and waved and blew me kisses (purposeful run-on to enhance the importance of each of these activities!)! Shortly after that, I saw some Back-of-the-Pack supporters with signs that made me feel as if I were a legitimate part of this race.  Dan and Vi popped out again and I got a high-five and a quick hug.  She was so PROUD of me!!!  Did she see I was so far in the back??  I guess she did, and it didn't matter.  To this particular 5-year-old, I was winning the race.  Awesome.  AWESOME!!!  

Then, the route winds us through some neighborhoods, a little quiet in some places, leaving you with your thoughts of doubt and sounds of other struggling runners perhaps wondering the same thing...  But there was GREAT camaraderie felt there.  As insecure as I can be, I didn't feel judgement, only an alliance.  I swear, it is THIS race that does that for people, and I can't be sure what the magic elixir for this recipe is, only that I want more of it.  

Soon enough I find myself making the turn down the final stretch.  Dog. Tired. And sore.  But because I'm coming in around 3:22, a respectable time for the Full-Marathoners, there's still quite a crowd and even if they aren't cheering for ME, they're cheering LOUDLY!  WOW!  I had ZERO left in the tank but managed to high-kick it (or my version of it) through the Finish Line!  WOOHOO!!!  The volunteers, refreshment stations, spectators were essential to this race.

And I earned this!

I EARNED these!!  I LOVE that I picked the 13.1 magnet for my car that matches the Lions...who also earned their first win of the season!!  *AWE-SOME* (said in sing-song)

I didn't get any race photos, so am praying the Finisher Pix has something half way decent to commemorate this achievement.  And yes: despite this being my longest of my four Half Marathons, it is STILL an achievement!

God willing, I WILL be back next year, Detroit Freep!

But, but...how??

I was telling someone a story recently about my running history and realized this fall is two years from my first half marathon.  I recalled that at that time, two years ago, I was probably the best shape in my life.  Certainly not the thinnest, but definitely the best physical shape in terms of strength and endurance.  It has been slippery slope since then...

I researched and researched (because that feels like progress that I don't have to actually be out running *HA!*) different training plans, read Runner's World magazine and blogs hungrily as if absorbing the words actually made me faster, and kind of fumbled way independently to an 11:00 minute mile (totally fast for me) and finished strongly.  The zenith of all that effort was of course the race (Detroit Women's Half Marathon and 5K - DO IT! It's AMAZING!)...then I took my recovery time too long...and never got back to the discipline, training, and nutritional program that got me to that point.  Never. Ever.

Try as I might, it's not doing it for me like that first time around.  WHY??  (Seriously.  Not so rhetorical.  If someone can tell me why, I'd appreciate it.)

I've gotten the bug again lately for a couple reasons:

1) I recall feeling AMAZING during that time period.  My memory tells me it was the best I've ever felt.

2) I do NOT feel amazing now.  I think if I can break through the stiffness and pain, it'll ensure I will remain mobile and strong and feeling amazing for longer.

I began researching training programs, fitness programs, strength-training programs, desperate to find something that speaks to me again.  Aaaannnddd...not so much.  It begs the question for me, "How do others do it?"  Is most "success" found with a trainer? Some kind of training plan effectively directing you what to do and when (because I'm sure I need that.  I have no formal education in fitness and nutrition and believe that's part of the recipe for success...it must be!)?

Where did you begin?  What were defining moments in your efforts toward fitness and health?  What has been most crucial? So far, I can say that I've grown enough to finally realize I AM capable and deserving of the fit body and lifestyle I crave...I just don't know HOW!!

Recently, some friends of mine were kicking around an idea to create a relay team for a triathalon.  I've been intrigued with duathlons since two years ago when I was actually "in shape" and thought with some direction I could accomplish such a thing.  I think I would LOVE to be part of a team for something like that.  I also think, because I lack confidence, that I would be the anchor that holds them back.  Again, I ask "HOW" do I get beyond this point then??

One barrier I notice getting in my way is another mental one: I don't think I'm "good enough" for a trainer.  I fear I'm not one of "them," that can commit to the rigor of training, someone standing over me yelling, pushing me when I'm not really that capable...  See?? Yeah, I don't know how to get beyond that mental struggle, either.  I'm willing to work on that, though, if I had a good fit with whatever needs to be in place to move me from contemplation to action (recognize any of these Stages of Change?? :D)!

SOOOOoooo...if I don't get any answers, I'll continue to research (because I'm convinced that should burn a bunch of calories) in the name of fitness and see if that gets me anywhere... ;)

How DO you?

How DID you?

How would you LIKE to??

More wishes...

It seems I'm getting better at NOT wishing I had whatever of everyone else's... see previous post.

But I'm not getting better at not wishing more from me...  Like, still wishing I was performing at where I was two years ago.  The Domino effect follows that I wish I was still as disciplined to my routine, wish I built endurance like I did "before"...  I can't quite place why I can't achieve these things now, despite my efforts.  I guess it means that I really CAN, but I have to keep working at it.

I forget that the process is what's important, not the outcome.  If I want a different hairstyle, I got get it done and it's done.  If I want a new escape, I get a new book.  But if I want a more physically fit body, I can't just go out on one run and expect to be "there."  I am ok with that now, and actually enjoying the anticipation.  This is something I CAN do, HAVE done, and WILL do again.

To celebrate Columbus Day and discovery, Vi and I headed out on a two-mile adventure that she biked and I "ran."  I use air quotes because I feel the need to still qualify that it wasn't as fast as I used to be.  Riiiiight.  I'll try to stop that.

I used that run plus a much slower two-mile run earlier in the day to try and "shake things out."  The last couple days I've been struggling with a threatening spine issue.  I don't want to go too far into it, so as to not give it any more credit.  I try to stay loose...I'm not even sure if this is real, but in my mind it makes sense.  I *think* I'm better off for having pushed through it, but I'm painfully aware of my fragile spine and this sensation that my brain thinks I don't have legs.  This is probably my final "wish" with which I'll struggle...but I plan to keep struggling!

How about I change it up to I "wonder" now...? I wonder what, since it's not physical fitness yet, I will be mastering?  Like what is my strength right now??  What is YOURS? Are we always aware of what those are?  If not, we probably should be...

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I'm thankful that my daughter seems to naturally, unconditionally support my running efforts.  As she rides ahead, a half a block away, she's still ringing her bell yelling, "Come on, Mommy! Go, Mommy!" She's an unbelievably amazing person that makes me smile every day.  :)

I Wish...

I'm sure I'm not alone when I admit that I suffer from envy, in various stages, various degrees, in various phases of my life.

Most recently, I've become all too aware of finding myself "wishing" for what others have.  Really, it boils down to comparing myself against them, for whatever...

I wish:

• I was as committed to my accountability efforts as they are.
• I was as "fit" as I was two years ago.
• I could get my healthy grocery shopping done.
• I worked out as consistently as they do.
• I ran faster...longer.
• 
  
• I was better at mothering.
• I was a better housewife...partner.
• I could have more than one child.
• I was as convicted at bettering my life as the desperation I feel.

I recognize this as comparison.  So, believe it or not, I actually have assigned myself some cognitive behavioral therapy homework and am forcing myself to challenge those beliefs as they occur.  I am becoming better at accurately describing the reality rather than imposing my emotion tied to it.  For example:

"I wish I was a committed to may accountability efforts as they are," through a tedious thought/question process, breaks down to:

"I see you are quite committed to making yourself accountable to (_____).  I am, too.  By noticing your effort, I acknowledge I would like to KEEP doing it, and maybe implement some of your tried-and-true-methods."  As if someone could be "better" than I am to my own efforts...sha! As if! (I could NOT resist that inflection!)

If I weren't committed, it wouldn't have registered with me...you follow?  It's honestly semantics, but it's been working.  I have less shaming and more praise...for myself and others.  And I keep learning more and more, that despite isolating myself...I am really not alone in anything I experience.  What a comforting notion that's become! Others experience it.  Others figure it out.  I can, too.

I have read A LOT lately about the mental game, and how that's really the game changer in any scenario be it exercise, work, academics...if you let your mental game falter, you will.  Period.  I've been trying to keep my mental game sharper lately, which, if I'm honest, has been a HUGE contributor to my problem for...as long as I can remember!  I'm so quick to revert to, 

"No...I can't.  I'm too this, too that...who did I think I was kidding by trying to do (_____)?!"

My spiritual journey these recent 10 months is being tasked with addressing that issue.  If I can actually remember to employ what I know to be true, it works.  Every. Time.  Distractions (I'll say the enemy, you say whatever makes you comfortable) get to me and sideline me.  Not so easy anymore, though...and it feels GOOD.  I've recently been challenged to quit giving my power to others, and LETTING them take the joy from me.  I mean, I was OFFERING my joy to people before they even got to exercise the power I had given them!

So I'm trying to take, "I wish" out of my vernacular (except when singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" because by the grace of God my daughter still loves for me to sing to her! *HA HA*) and replace it with, "I thank You that I am already (_____)," or "I'm glad I got to see (_____) to inspire me to (____)."

Why can't we all do this more readily?  Why is it such a self-defeating competition??

So, add that to the infinite list of things I keep trying... *chortle*

I'd rather look back in a few years on this blog to see that I kept trying, as opposed to reading the same entry week after week of my wallowing with no effort to change my situation...right??  (Check back with me in 2018 *HA!*)

Tough call, but still a winning decision

As you know, the Detroit Women's Half Marathon was my first Half Marathon in 2013.  I rocked that one.  I felt so good.  I remember telling my husband right after that I felt I could go do it all again.  Last year...not so much.  Illness preventing adequate training led to a race where I didn't feel I could give it my all, and suffered dehydration, muscle spasm...and diarrhea (EW!) from being ill-prepared.

I registered early for this year's, with a solid 18-week training plan and confidence to get through it.  Not much really got in the way of training, except for a few periods of no motivation, episodic depression, and the big barrier: stupid mobility issues.  If I tried to power through it, it just made recovery worse ie., muscle spasms, increased mobility issue, fatigue, electrolyte imbalance, fatigue, and...did I mention fatigue? Slept.  A LOT.

My sister, and virtual training partner, had a solid goal to run for the first time the whole 5K.  She had her own training issues this year, but it still ready to go out and give that course whatever she can.  After prayer and a lot of reflection, I decided to transfer my registration from the Half to the 5K today.  I have major reservations because I still wonder if I have 13.1 miles in me.  I wanted to experience the 2nd anniversary of this race WITH them, as it's their 3rd Half as well.  Kind of like growing with that race, you know?  BUT, I want to be able to be there for next year's.  I want to be able to run the Detroit Freepress International Half I have planned in 5 weeks.  I want to be able to keep in this sport, in some capacity, for as long as I can.  So I had to make the smart decision and adjust it to my current physical level.

I'm actually MORE excited now, though, because I'm running it with my sister.  I think being together is going to be great for both of us, and I'm looking forward to it inspiring us to keep at this.  Plus, we're doing more than our sister who's 8-months pregnant and just watching us... ;)  j/k, KK.

I'm hoping we can use this race as a baseline together and try to improve for another 5K we want to run together on October 4.  TOTALLY within our reach!!

I had ALL day today at home, alone, as my daughter was in school.  I planned last night I'll get in a nice long run effort today.  How far did I make it, you wonder? Not even off the couch.  I slept nearly all day and applied for jobs the other small part of it that I was awake.  See why I had to transfer registrations?  *smirk*

Seriously, if you're in the market for a completely amazing, women empowering, fun, beautiful 5K or Half Marathon this Sunday, get in on the action with the Detroit Women's Half Marathon and 5K.  They offer a crazy cool Expo at Cobo Center on Saturday, a fantastic pasta dinner at Andiamo's, a pajama party complete with yoga, stretching, and tea, and a FEAST at the completion of both races.  Try it once and you'll be back next year, I promise!

Labor Day Weekend Love

I realize I've been purposefully avoiding my writing.  In the past, I've gotten too busy, depressed, or otherwise didn't have access.  This time, just avoiding it.  It probably boils down to the same ol' issue of being a little embarrassed I haven't been accomplishing all I had set out to do this summer.  I've had snippets of very fun times though, for sure.  I keep reminding myself to acknowledge them and give them the credit they deserve.  The proverbial dark cloud has unfortunately been flare-ups hindering my mobility, balance, and creating a foggy mindset.  Despite those, I got to experience these:

Annual Girls' Camp.  We went to Manistee and camped, surviving near-tornado conditions! I grew up going there every summer to my dad and then step-mother's summer house, so the trip was ripe with nostalgia.  We spent one full day at the beach and it was WONDERFUL.  We went to a winery.  We laughed.  We drank.  We had a GREAT TIME.

Lovely Lake Michigan

Batten down the hatches!

Live music in the vineyard

Bike Walk Drink pub crawl in St. Clair Shores.  It was so fun! Beautiful weather, fun friends, biking, and of course...responsible consumption of libations.

Another visit to Wine Country when Vi and I went up north to visit with the family right before school started.  It's hard not to have fun there! 

I actually found this out on a run!  What a sweet reward!

I certainly had a lot of other things mingled in.  But last, but not least, was a fantastic Labor Day Weekend where we continued out family tradition of walking the Mighty Mac.  Vi actually made the majority of it on her own this time, and my niece joined us for her first time and loved every step of it!

View from our campsite

 

I am so, so absolutely incredibly blessed with whom I am surrounded at this point in my life.  I have the definition of an unconditional loving, supportive husband, sweetest and funniest daughter, family, and lifelong friends who show me all the time how much I mean to them and the importance of our friendship.  It all helps me power through the other nonsense.  I urge anyone and everyone to consider these things that really matter most when the other crap threatens to get in the way.  Always easier said than done, but always the right thing to do.

This is making me so excited for what's to come this fall! ...and maybe even to write about it.  :)

Run for the Hills, Take 2

DD and I finally got an official timed 5K under our belts this summer! We ran in the Run for the Hills race in Farmington Hills, MI.

We both went into this race with similar goals.  Of course, a time PR is always fantastic, but we had aspirations to simply run the whole 3.1 without stopping.  *sigh*  I remember this being my goal nearly 3 years ago... That goal having to be the same now, 3 years later, makes me kind of bummed out, buuuuuuut... I DO acknowledge I'm happy I can still be doing that much now.

I digress...

We did it! We ran the whole 3.1, powered through all the hills, finished strong, AND got in under 40 minutes!  Certainly not a PR for either of us, but for this summer, that counts!

We have both encountered our own set of challenges through which to navigate and find the motivation to do it anyway.  I'm pretty proud of our effort.  It's rarely easy, I think, for parents to find the time to go out for 30-45 minutes 5 days/week and train/run.  Kids and their needs can at times be unpredictable; add weather, our own health, a good t.v. show *HAHA*...and walla! No run that day.  The excuses are plentiful, but we're doing SOMEthing anyway.  HUZZAH!

We're looking forward to participating in the Run for the Wild 5K at the Detroit Zoo in four weeks.  That'll be a nice short-term goal to ensure keeping at our training and an opportunity to look for improvement.  I'm actually going to do the 10K that day, as that's on my training schedule with my Detroit Women's Half the following Sunday!

For me, race season is just now beginning.  I had planned:

Run for the Hills
Run for the Wild
Detroit Women's Half Marathon
Detroit Freep International Half Marathon (My first ever!)
Red Run (My first ever, still a possibility)
Scrumpy Skedaddle (My first ever)
Kona Chocolate Double
Turkey Trot

This definitely keeps me running!  Well, forces me to keep TRYING to run even when I don't feel like it.  I have noticed I need to schedule much longer and more frequent rest periods (i.e., nap time) to accommodate these efforts.  Again, bums me out a little, but I keep at it...

This race season has me excited!

A taste of summer

Ok, so not running related, because there's not a whole lot of that happening...(more on that later, if I'm up for it)

AND

not really MS related, unless that's the reason there's not much running...
(Unless it's a medicinal intervention, maybe it is.  I kid, I kid...)

BUT

something good that HAS happened lately is I was introduced to this gem of a refreshing, tasting like summer cocktail!!

Deep Eddy Grapefruit vodka is soooooo juicy and mouth-watering! Add a splash of lime-flavored tonic, garnish with lime, and you have your new summer go-to!   4 words:

IN-CRED-I-BLE!

When Motivation Isn't Enough

Wouldn't you know it?  Right when I finally got my mind in sync with my body...my body stopped listening.

I don't know...maybe it's finally the sunny warm weather that begs me to come be a part of it, but I have the motivation...a desire...a NEED even, to get out and run! I've been somewhat successful and getting out there, though my running portions are smaller and fewer than I would like, I'm at least out there, shaking the cobwebs out of my stiffening frame.  The issue with my short intervals doesn't seem like lack of fitness, as I would have thought.  My body feels...differently.  Perhaps if I were a real writer, I'd have the capacity to provide the mental imagery to explain it, but I'm not.  Alas, we'll try this:

It's like;

a feeling of lack of control, with a stubbornness to keep queuing up the movement anyway

that funny tingly feeling you get when a limb falls asleep...only it's not so funny anymore and isn't going away

where did that wall come from, and how did it suddenly jump in front of me?

I'd add more to the list, but I'm suddenly too tired...fatigue.  Paralyzing fatigue.

*****20-minute power nap*****

looking through fog, knowing any step now it will clear up...but doesn't

walking through water when everyone around you is sprinting through air

tip-of-the-tongue syndrome...it's right there...what's that called??  I know it, I know it, I know it...

sores inside my mouth from accidentally biting my tongue that won't seem to get out of the way

difficulty swallowing, which helps me to appear like an infant getting fed rice for the first time (I know, ew, right?)

*drum roll* And my all-time favorite since this whole process of change started *cymbal*: twice in 4 weeks almost dropping my 6-mo-old nieces because I realized rigamortis-like muscle spasm quickly settling in my arm, and having no time to set the babies somewhere safe.  Yeah.  Auntie of the Year, here.  [Insert here the dark thoughts that nag in the cellar of my mind, "THIS is why you couldn't get pregnant...]

I guess this sums up how my body feels differently lately.  Not to mention the total mental mind f*&k of hearing your 5-yo say the following and not have any ounce of power to do anything about it;

"I know you're not good at carrying me anymore, but I wish you could."
"Can you PLEEEAAASE take me on a bike ride? Just a short one, I promise."
"Wake up, Mommy.  Wake up.  Mommy! Wake up! Please just make me some breakfast...!"
"Your back hurts again?!"
"I'll carry this for you, it's too heavy for you."

If I stopped to process with you how I felt about these, we might never leave this blog.  I do need to reach some plateau of acceptance soon, this downward spiral isn't good for any of us.

I guess my point is, I'm learning there may not ever be the "balance" with motivation and energy, time and money, weather and opportunity...you name it.  Maybe it's best to try to press on anyway, because you might wake up crippled tomorrow?  Drastic and self-defeating, I know, but the moral is there.  Had I stopped whining about a lack of motivation and gotten my butt out there anyway, I may have helped to avoid exacerbations with the increased physical activity, or at the very least dropped some of these pounds so I wouldn't be carrying extra weight during tougher times...literally.

Long story long, I find myself retreating to this motto, "At least try."  Then I can avoid these guilt-ridden posts later... *snarky grin*

Cookie Cravings

Ok, so whatever the reason, I'm craving chocolate and cookie like mad.  I don't want to totally fall off the wagon and eat a bunch of crap.  This is why we love Pinterest, right??

OMG no-bake cookies!

So, if you make them just like the Frugal Farm Wife suggests, they're sugar-free, diary-free and gluten-free, but I promise you, not taste free!  They're definitely goo-ier than traditional no-bakes, which more than satisfies the chocolate craving. 

Here's a few of mine! 

Vi and I made them kind of big.  They're so gooey, bite size might have been easier, buuuuut...then I'd feel guilty for eating 8, this way I'm indulging in just 1.  Heehee...

Run (make that Sit) the Plank

Well, on this 3rd anniversary of my beloved Run the Plank 5K, on this LAST SATURDAY IN JUNE we woke to real-feel of 47 degrees, constant rain, and 15 mph winds.  Given we were to have 3 kids under 5 years of age...we sadly decided to sit this one out.  It was forecasted to get worse throughout the day, too.

Am I not a real runner now?  Too much of a sissy?  I don't know...probably not, but they were thoughts that had crossed my mind anyway.  I haven't run in 10 days and I'm pretty sure there was not the historical PR to be made here.  Does that it make my excuse worse for not participating?  Probably, but I don't care.  For me it's been the little things that have made my running "fun" for me and motivated to keep trying.  A poor time in this race may have been a devastating blow.  I know that's not totally what it's about, but I know my limitations and right now I think it was a good call.

Ann, DD and kids still came and stayed the night and had a nice breakfast with us Saturday morning. Not a race, but even more satisfying.  <3

It's always amazing to me how quickly and easily I slip out of positive habits and running routines.  My birthday trip to the Keys started the very slippery slope into gluttony, laziness, and little motivation.  As I sit researching races today, though, I'm pleasantly surprised and happy that I still get that excited feeling in my chest when thinking about, planning, and training for races.  I know I need and WANT to get back out there and do some kind of activity...just one more day off...  *wink*

I believe I'm suffering from a little sadness...and maybe a feeling of hopelessness?  I know my daily runs were combating that when I was participating in the RW Run-streak.  Another reason to get back at it.  My recent job interview went less-than-stellar.  Apparently, I've learned recently my family has to remain local for the next 4.5 years, and I hadn't necessarily planned on that.  My sister's getting married this weekend and I'm not feeling picture-worthy.  It all leads to this kind of "trapped" feeling.  These things can be quite overwhelming if not dealt with properly, so the risk of losing my mind if a pretty good motivator to get back out there.  Yikes.

Time to Assess

Well, as my 40th birthday is around the corner and I leave for my surprise Key West birthday trip, I have to assess my progress in my M.O.M. (MILF on a mission).

It's fair to say I'm not at my weight goal, in fact 14 lbs away from my first goal (granted, it may have been slightly lofty).  I do believe I'm more toned, so the small results I see make me happy my efforts are paying off.  My endurance is most definitely increasing, and while I'm still not running as far or as long as I used to, I'm still trying, consistently, to get there.  My commitment to such things has waxed and waned so much in the past, this is probably the biggest accomplishment I have in this goal.

True enough, I wanted to look "better" in my the pictures memorializing this stupid milestone birthday.  I wanted the visual memories to match how happy I feel inside.  I'm still upright, mobile, and all (most, HA!) of my faculties, and this wonderful ability to keep trying and being a positive, healthier role model for my daughter.  So, I may not be able to "see" that in pictures, but I know it and that's actually enough.  :)

...besides:  I can still be in pictures in 6 more months and maybe my outside will match my inside more.

2 Birthday Parties & 1 Book Club

All of which are very typically events of indulgence...and these didn't disappoint.  *sigh*  I think I tried to make some decent choices, perhaps not OVERLY do it.  And probably my best decision was to make sure I got in my daily runs.  *big cheesy grin*

These two helped me get it done

I'm not sure if it will completely negate the damage I did with food and drink, but I tried.  And I don't feel too, too guilty for indulging. I had a nice time and know that I still consumed less than I normally would have, so that's still progress.  :)

At the second birthday party, my friend, Ann found this and said she could share it with me.  It wasn't so much the Coke as our adventurous spirit! With my recent weeks' of activity I really have felt my adventurous spirit return.

Today, I found myself realizing I was keeping up with my daughter learning to ride her two-wheeler.  Running, running, running and I wasn't gasping for air...or dying like I imagine I would have a month ago! LOL! Talk about a NSV (Non Scale Victory)!! THAT was the hugest reward and sense of accomplishment since embarking on this journey.  She noticed I was right there with her the whole time, too.  A-MAZE-ING, I tell ya.

We did it!

National Running Day & a Run Streak

For some reason, I impulsively committed to the Runner's World Summer Run Streak.  It runs (see what I did there?) from Memorial Day to July 4th, and you aim for at least a mile every day.  Seems simple enough...until I don't feel like it after a 12.5 hour shift! LOL!  My longest streak was 5 days, and I'm proud to say I've made it to this, Day 10 of my #RWrunstreak!  Since I knew I had to run today anyway, I'm not sure why "National Running Day" made it more of a certainty, but it did.  I got in 4.25 miles and even had some company for 2 miles of it.
 

"Come on, Mommy.  You can do it!" ~Vi

Why does my shadow look like that?!? I digress... Anyway.  It's been fun meeting my daily goal.  It's paying off in many areas, too: weight loss, strength, confidence, mental strength... things that aren't necessarily part of my usual state.  

I recently added the "Daily Mile" widget to the blog.  It's kind of fun to track all my info in one spot.  It makes me think I should try and enter all of 2015's data so it looks cooler... *giggle*

I also committed to a fitness challenge with my sister...for 28 days! At its core, it's what I've been trying to incorporate independently, but with a clear yet flexible guide.  It has the clean eating, cardio, and strength training aspects I like, and an online community that is epically supportive.  The best part is she and I are in the same stage of change, simultaneously, and have the same daily challenges! She's another virtual partner of mine, but the accountability and support is better than when I had a physical partner that I saw 5 out of 7 days! I've already seen improvement in her that makes me even more proud of her and even more motivated to keep going.  Granted, it officially started June 1, but we're three days in and going strong! LOL!  We both had a good loss this week, too!  I wasn't so certain I would manage a loss after Ann's milestone breakfast of eggs sardou, roasted potatoes, and 3 (YES 3!!) slices of chocolate cake. Mmmm.....  Guess those daily runs balanced it out pretty well since I was down 3.1! *grin*

Bayshore in Review

Ok, so...I did it!

I'll tell you: it was my worst time, but not the worst time...get it??

This is my third Half Marathon, and each time I've gotten slower.  My initial reaction is to be bummed out, but I also would be remiss if I didn't admit my training had gotten less each time as well.  Lesson = You really do get out of it when you put into it!

I think I mentioned this before, but my sister encouraged me to participate in this race to "not let MS win."  *shake my head* I'll admit, it's pretty cliche', but it did factor into my decision-making.  I didn't want my pride and fear of not having a "fast" time to get in the way of embracing my opportunity to at least be in it this year.  Morbid or not, the reality is there's a potential I may not be able to one day.  I probably wouldn't go so dark so soon, but waking up with blindness in my left eye totally scared me and I'm left with bits of residual fear on a daily basis.  I open my eyes s-l-o-w-l-y praying the light will come in...  Anyway.  I'm glad I did this race, regardless of the clock.  I had a great time! *grin*  Lesson = Take advantage of the opportunity and just do it.

This was the largest Half in which I've participated, so the sheer numbers were awesome! I enjoyed being part of something so big, and not one person made me feel like I didn't belong.  Even though a race implies competition, I've always found runners to be the most supportive of their competitors in their field.  It felt special to be part of such a group!  Despite the large field, I thought race execution was seamless.  Half participants were bussed to the Start Line, and even though there was a small wait in line (likely because I got there late against their advice), it went quickly.  There were plenty of bathroom facilities before, during, and after the race, which I think I can speak for everyone when I say, "thank you!" HAHA! The spectators were great! It seemed like watching the race was as much an event for spectators as the racers! Us back-of-the-pack-ers (BOTP) were pretty easily identifiable, but the crowd offered words of support, encouragement, and praise for our efforts.  I do have to admit there was one section of spectators more than half way through that apparently couldn't see the BOTP passing by right in front of them.  I heard a dad say to his young kids, "Oh, get your whistles.  Here come more marathoners."  HA! I may or may not have audibly scoffed at him, but later just laughed.  Whatever.  I'm not a marathoner, nor am I fast.  So what.  I was IN it, not WATCHING it.  *snarky grin*

You seriously can't be the view.  Staring at the bay the whole time compels you to want to keep putting one foot in front of the other to see where the view goes.  Sadly, I didn't get a pic of it, because that would have expended energy I could not waste. LOL! Silly, but kinda true.  When people tell you to do this race for the views (not to mention BQ if you're going for that!), do it.  They weren't lying.  

Coming through the gait onto the track at the end was kind of surreal.  The only time I was on such tracks was with the Marching Band, and while I certainly count that as athletic, "real" athletes would probably disagree.  Running it through the Finish Line, in front of the stands full of people, including my husband and daughter, was simply incredible.  Full disclosure:  I kind of wanted to die at Mile 11.  I think I was cramping every where and insanely tired.  I saw Dan & Vi who were the best injection of energy there, and convinced me to keep going.  I walked a lot of those last 2 miles...but once I got on that track I felt like I flew! I managed a sprint across the Finish Line! WHAAAAT?!

You can hear my name around 2:45:50 and I cross with a purple tank top at around 2:45:53!

This was the first race in which I participated that I could see a video of the finish!  This is super cool to me!  

The "after party" was the best, too.  PLENTY of refueling items, drink, Moomer's ice cream...space to sprawl out and avoid dying! HAHA!  Seriously, it was fantastic.  Thank you, TCTC!

This was my reward! GORGEOUS!  

Bayshore or Bust

Ok, I'm just going to do it.  I committed to this race in December, hoping I'd have a solid 5 months of training, eating right, getting my body "right" again after a brief (ok, 9-12 month long) hiatus.  As you know, life happens, I'm not always the best at rebounding from it, and here I am, not really much further along than I was in December...

After much vacillation, I'm just going to try my best.  My PR will be nowhere in site, but having accomplished one of Michigan's best races offered, is pretty important to me, too.  I'm getting more and more excited as the date comes closer and I receive updated correspondence from the TCTC Bayshore Marathon organizers.  The process, pictures of the views, not to mention Race Day forecast looks pretty perfect! My sister who lives there is pretty excited to have us up again, even though she has to work all weekend.  She's an ER nurse at Munson Hospital, so I joked she might end up seeing me anyway! HA! Seriously, not planning on it... I won't be running the whole thing like the first Half, but am believing to be pretty solid at a run/walk approach.  I know it's a pretty competitive race, but I'm not competing against anyone else this time, just me.  And maybe obscure things that have tried to take me down at some point over the last 6 months... I plan on beating that, too.  *snarky grin*

A positive coming out of my rapid, focused "training" these last 6 weeks was a renewed vigor for why I wanted to do this stuff in the first place.  Pushing myself daily (or whatever, you know, close enough), making the commitment to do SOMEthing each day and actually doing it has been a wonderful side effect for me.  I lost that somewhere along the way and it feels like it's mine again.  I'm slow to be back where I "was," but I feel in a better groove again.  Maybe I never will be, but I won't be sedentary either, so I'm holding on to that.  DD checks in with me daily and continues to do her part in maintaining her own efforts in our quest to be at the least, fit moms, and tire out playing with our kids.  Knowing, even virtually, someone is trying to do the same thing is a great motivator and provides accountability.  My baby sister has also re-harnessed her desire to eat better and get more active.  In fact, she's the one that sent me the reminder that our Detroit Women's Half Marathon & 5K is in 4 months already, so she's on it! Ann is working on her own efforts with her own sort of approach, and Midge recently met a goal she set back in December, so I know so many I care about around me are sharing my sentiments about trying to be healthier, more fit, for a myriad of our reasons, and I'm not alone.

So, I went with friends to the Cheesecake Factory in Novi this weekend.  I know, right??  The slice I chose boasts (I found out later, of course) one of the highest content in calories at 1530.  Yes, for one slice.  It took me 4 days to eat it all, so I broke it up and ran 2-4 miles each of those days to account for it.  I'm hoping for no gain this week, but a pretty solid NSV would be that I actually tried to work off my consumption this time, instead of just dismissing it as a loss (or, more accurately a gain, but you get it).  Aside from this and a handful of other purposeful indulgences, I've been eating pretty clean for 4 weeks now.  I can't say a lot about it yet, but I can say that my digestive system is starting to work more efficiently, and supposedly it's supposed to minimizes flare-ups or relapses, say some.  We'll see.  I even have "clean" supplements/gels/etc. for my long runs now! HA!

Assuming I survive Bayshore, I'll give a full report shortly after.  *high five*

Sucking doesn't always have to...well, suck

HAHAHAHA!!!  

Get it??

Sooooo painfully true.  I wouldn't say I was having trouble with motivation lately, but I AM having trouble with just getting the work in.  Mind you, I say this because I have taken 3 days off in a row and the guilt is KILLING me! So weird! Like, I'm standing "working out" up! I have plenty of excuses, some even justifiable.  The fact is, life gets in the way and I need to be more flexible in accommodating it.

I had a fantastic week in the "results" arena last week, both on the scale and in non-scale victories.  I think that's why I'm so desperate to ensure I hold on to those!  Aside from only one delicious, huge, delicious chimichanga, I've still been pretty solid with my clean eating.  I'm holding on to that.  I've had my gym bag packed and in my car every day this week, so it wasn't planning I was lacking.  Like I said, just life in the way.  I'm excited to be back at it again, oddly.

As a sidebar:  I'm not sleeping again.  I mean, the paralyzing fatigue is still present most of the day, but when I crawl into bed after a long day, I cannot find a fitful sleep all night...for nights on end.  Actually, I sleep well after 5:00 a.m. when Dan gets out of bed.  I do actually have a theory: I feel better when he is up and around the house, like he's aware and protecting it.  When we're all in bed and sleeping over night, it feels more...vulnerable.  Probably PTSD from having had an uninvited visitor come during the over-night hours, if I had to guess.  Pa-thet-ic.  I know.  No one's more irritated this than I, I assure you.  And do you think it's mere coincidence that "suspicious behavior" at my house was observed last night after posting my come-back on Monday? I didn't think so either...

I digress.  Just a facet of life being in the way... I recognize it now as not being *in* the way, but rather *the* way.  This *is* life.  I'll figure out a (positive!) way to navigate through it.  The minutes are going to tick by either way, and I'd rather know I exerted what ever control I had over it.  I suggest you try and do the same.  :)

Every step you take...I will be watching you

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Emotional Laziness

I often talk about my emotional eating, but this week noticed how that same propensity morphed into an emotional laziness...I felt really unable to exercise this week.  I had such an awesome Monday and Tuesday, too...

The thing this week is something happened at work that unfortunately slid over into my personal life, like legitimately, not just me letting it emotionally occur.  The potential for a somewhat dangerous situation is always present I guess, as anybody can Google you and find out where you live.  That's literally bringing your work home with you!  So, long story short, someone came to my home that should not have, and I feel totally violated.  Going to the gym doesn't feel like an option right now.  I know it's not rational...but sometimes you can't use logical to deal with illogical situations, you know?

My sister said I still don't have to let this sabotage my efforts.  I know, I know.  I guess the good news is, if any, that I haven't really sabotaged my eating.  Small victories, right?

I have a little panic set in when I think about my training, though.  Runner's World said going longer than 2 days in between running can begin to not improve endurance, rather just sustain it.  I dragged through a painful 4 miles on Monday and was hoping to get through 5 miles at some point this weekend.  Having only 1 training session in between doesn't bode well for that.  I know that I don't want to give my power over to this situation, and let it ruin my goals.  *sigh* I guess when I start to get overwhelmed by the idea of things, I'll try and keep this idea at the forefront of my mind.

Life so easily gets in the way of my training efforts, when I'm trying to make training a regular way of life!

Fundraising at its funnest!

So, check this out:

Super fun, right??  I said it would be a fun way to take a gamble on a fun time.  Heehee...I couldn't resist.  It's a fun activity if you're planning a stay-cation for Memorial Day weekend!  Sadly...I'll be in Traverse City that weekend, as it's the Half Marathon the day before.  Of course, I'm trying to figure out if I can pull off both just because I'm so excited, buuuut...I don't know.  Dan will probably reign me in...

Speaking of the Half Marathon....YIKES! It's less than 9 weeks away!! *GASP* Ohhhhh dear.  I don't want to put it out there my fear and concern, buuuuut....  I don't have my Aunt Vickie to drag me through this one, so I HAVE to be adequately prepared!! I knew I was behind on my original training schedule.  Readjusting it and looking at the suggested training plan on www.walkjogrun.net (I really like this site), I'm STILL behind about a week and a half.  

I did another "long run" today, hoping to get caught up, but being cautious to not induce injury from ramping up mileage too quickly.  I went prepared with my electrolyte-replacing drink, a gel, and a banana for after! I was proud of remembering all of those things.  I dropped Vi off ready to head the two miles over when I realized I left my phone/music at home.  Aaaarrrghhhh! Home is 25 minutes in the opposite direction! I made the decision that it was worth it, because I would never get through 4 miles without it.  It's an understatement it say it was "rough."  I think the 3 mile run Friday was MUCH easier the whole way.  Actually, mile 4 today as the easiest!  I just couldn't find my rhythm and get into the zone.  My thoughts were flooded with the realization that I was having difficulty running 3 miles, and in less than 9 weeks I'd need to be prepared to run 10 more! In January when I committed to doing this race, I had visions of a well-prepared, much more fit version of me killing that race.  I've decided there's no other way to turn that into a positive, motivating statement other than to just ignore it, and get it out of my head.  The reality of my situation now is I have 9 weeks until a big race.  I need to be pragmatic and do what I can do build strength, increase my mileage and put speed on the back burner until future races.  I can only do what I can do, with the time amount of days in front of me. I'd like to say I'm going to make the best out of those 61 days, buuuuut...if you've read this blog regularly enough, you know that faltering is my reality, and I can only count on progress not perfection.

I would thank you in advance for your well-wishes and prayers, though, because that's part of what it's going to take! =D

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

...for no other reason that it just does.

Be prepared for a completely bi-polar post.

On Monday I was informed that a dear friend of the family, a member of my bible fellowship, lost her fiancé in a car accident.  The same friend who unexpectedly lost her mother in December.  Yeah.  Riiiiight.  Sucks.  Just sucks.  It's always amazing to me how our brain works and its instant defensive mode to protect and cope.  My brain immediately goes to how life isn't fair, how could God let this happen, she didn't deserve this, and other much darker thoughts I'll spare you... Thankfully, I can renew my mind and stay above water.  I know the truth and have been taught and raised on that truth. There is not always a cause/effect answer for everything in our free-will world.  So sometimes it just sucks.  Our response to it doesn't have to, though.  Remember to be grateful for what and who you have and don't let ugly bitterness settle in to ruin that.

(hang on for the swing)

...I guess it was this philosophy that kept me focused on being committed to working toward my goals.  Nothing is certain, and maximizing what we do have is important.  I want to be the best version of myself for me and my family, as that will optimize our time together, too! Maybe that and working out was a good way to physically work through some of these emotions. Full confession: I joined Planet Fitness on Monday for $10 down/$10 a month.  I figured I had been successful in the gym environment before, and trying to use my own rickity treadmill wasn't cutting it.  I'm saving money every month because I quit my Weight Watchers app ($20/month) because I wasn't tracking consistently and I wasn't feeling it this time around.  So, I actually worked out (at PF, out of my way home):

Monday: W10/R20/W5/R10/W15
Tuesday: Funeral then intervals of 2m running at 5.0 (fast for me lately!)/90s walk for 40 mins. IN-TENSE!
Wednesday: [Ridiculous sidebar: While on a home visit to a patient's home, I got bit by a dog.  Company policy is, of course, no matter that skin wasn't broken and it was just a bruise, I go to the Urgent Care to be checked and medically released.  I was livid.  It was the most embarrassing waste of time and resources.  Anyway, I didn't get done with that until 10:45 and my blood pressure was 139/98 causing ringing ears and a headache so I came home and went immediately to bed. Grrrr....)
Thursday: Admittedly, the long hours at work always gets to me Thursday evening, as well as I don't think I've worked out more than 3 days in a week in 20 weeks, I felt pretty exhausted! I still managed to walk 45 minutes at a 3.0 pace on a 2.0 incline, then did some weight training for my arms.
Friday: While Vi was at school this morning, I managed to go work out again...less than 10 hours from when I worked out last, I might add! Today I wanted to see if I could run two miles straight without stopping to walk.  I'd set my new beginner pace at a 13:19 mile.  I knew from Monday I could run 20 minutes, so I planned to push 6 more minutes (and 38 seconds) to accomplish two miles.  It was rough.  It wasn't pretty.  I spent the first part of watching a Joel Osteen podcast entitled "No excuses."  I thought it was fitting.  =P After 20 minutes I decided I needed to hear the push of my music to power through the last 6 minutes (and 38 seconds).  At 24 minutes (2:38 to go!), a young girl got on the 'mill next to me and started to run.  I LOVE this.  I don't know what it is; I call it drafting, but I LOVE drafting off a runner next to me.  Even when they're faster than me (which is all the time), you some how get into a rhythm.  You can really feel they're in a same sense of limit-pushing misery as you and there's something strengthening about that.  Well, with her on board, I managed to eek out the last 2:38 feeling STRONG! So strong...that I pushed through another 13:19 to tackle another mile!! 3 miles running!! I was so happy, I intended to tell her when I was done, but she got off and left before I was done.  Now, I also noticed that I damn near passed out, so I don't think it was very smart of me.  I felt the chills all over as I was sweating bullets into my sweat-soaked clothes, and noticed the little stars knocking at the edges of my periphery...which was now narrowing.  I walked 9 more minutes to make sure I was stable, grabbed my stuff out of the locker and headed outside where it was cooler and I had an electrolyte replacing shake in my truck on the ready.  I'll tell you, I was a little worried for a second, there! I realized I wasn't thinking clearly, felt sluggish and slow cognitively... I guzzled the 16 oz and let it seep through my body.  As I slowly recovered, a smile slowly graced my face as I haven't experienced this sense of pride in pushing my physical limitations in at least 5 months.  I thought to myself, that if I woke up tomorrow and couldn't walk (from MS not unnecessarily exerting myself through exercise =P), that I could be proud of what I did today.

So, that's my new goal, to try to be proud of some little part each day in an effort to be present, mindful, and grateful for what I do have.  The saying in my living room this week is:

What you plant NOW, you will harvest LATER

It's a nice reminder for me, and seems to have been working.  =)

Now, DD's saying for today might be a more appropriate one:

Friday.  My second favorite "F" word.

HAHA! They both are so fitting for this week!