Be prepared for a completely bi-polar post.
On Monday I was informed that a dear friend of the family, a member of my bible fellowship, lost her fiancé in a car accident. The same friend who unexpectedly lost her mother in December. Yeah. Riiiiight. Sucks. Just sucks. It's always amazing to me how our brain works and its instant defensive mode to protect and cope. My brain immediately goes to how life isn't fair, how could God let this happen, she didn't deserve this, and other much darker thoughts I'll spare you... Thankfully, I can renew my mind and stay above water. I know the truth and have been taught and raised on that truth. There is not always a cause/effect answer for everything in our free-will world. So sometimes it just sucks. Our response to it doesn't have to, though. Remember to be grateful for what and who you have and don't let ugly bitterness settle in to ruin that.
(hang on for the swing)
...I guess it was this philosophy that kept me focused on being committed to working toward my goals. Nothing is certain, and maximizing what we do have is important. I want to be the best version of myself for me and my family, as that will optimize our time together, too! Maybe that and working out was a good way to physically work through some of these emotions. Full confession: I joined Planet Fitness on Monday for $10 down/$10 a month. I figured I had been successful in the gym environment before, and trying to use my own rickity treadmill wasn't cutting it. I'm saving money every month because I quit my Weight Watchers app ($20/month) because I wasn't tracking consistently and I wasn't feeling it this time around. So, I actually worked out (at PF, out of my way home):
Monday: W10/R20/W5/R10/W15
Tuesday: Funeral then intervals of 2m running at 5.0 (fast for me lately!)/90s walk for 40 mins. IN-TENSE!
Wednesday: [Ridiculous sidebar: While on a home visit to a patient's home, I got bit by a dog. Company policy is, of course, no matter that skin wasn't broken and it was just a bruise, I go to the Urgent Care to be checked and medically released. I was livid. It was the most embarrassing waste of time and resources. Anyway, I didn't get done with that until 10:45 and my blood pressure was 139/98 causing ringing ears and a headache so I came home and went immediately to bed. Grrrr....)
Thursday: Admittedly, the long hours at work always gets to me Thursday evening, as well as I don't think I've worked out more than 3 days in a week in 20 weeks, I felt pretty exhausted! I still managed to walk 45 minutes at a 3.0 pace on a 2.0 incline, then did some weight training for my arms.
Friday: While Vi was at school this morning, I managed to go work out again...less than 10 hours from when I worked out last, I might add! Today I wanted to see if I could run two miles straight without stopping to walk. I'd set my new beginner pace at a 13:19 mile. I knew from Monday I could run 20 minutes, so I planned to push 6 more minutes (and 38 seconds) to accomplish two miles. It was rough. It wasn't pretty. I spent the first part of watching a Joel Osteen podcast entitled "No excuses." I thought it was fitting. =P After 20 minutes I decided I needed to hear the push of my music to power through the last 6 minutes (and 38 seconds). At 24 minutes (2:38 to go!), a young girl got on the 'mill next to me and started to run. I LOVE this. I don't know what it is; I call it drafting, but I LOVE drafting off a runner next to me. Even when they're faster than me (which is all the time), you some how get into a rhythm. You can really feel they're in a same sense of limit-pushing misery as you and there's something strengthening about that. Well, with her on board, I managed to eek out the last 2:38 feeling STRONG! So strong...that I pushed through another 13:19 to tackle another mile!! 3 miles running!! I was so happy, I intended to tell her when I was done, but she got off and left before I was done. Now, I also noticed that I damn near passed out, so I don't think it was very smart of me. I felt the chills all over as I was sweating bullets into my sweat-soaked clothes, and noticed the little stars knocking at the edges of my periphery...which was now narrowing. I walked 9 more minutes to make sure I was stable, grabbed my stuff out of the locker and headed outside where it was cooler and I had an electrolyte replacing shake in my truck on the ready. I'll tell you, I was a little worried for a second, there! I realized I wasn't thinking clearly, felt sluggish and slow cognitively... I guzzled the 16 oz and let it seep through my body. As I slowly recovered, a smile slowly graced my face as I haven't experienced this sense of pride in pushing my physical limitations in at least 5 months. I thought to myself, that if I woke up tomorrow and couldn't walk (from MS not unnecessarily exerting myself through exercise =P), that I could be proud of what I did today.
So, that's my new goal, to try to be proud of some little part each day in an effort to be present, mindful, and grateful for what I do have. The saying in my living room this week is:
What you plant NOW, you will harvest LATER
It's a nice reminder for me, and seems to have been working. =)
Now, DD's saying for today might be a more appropriate one:
Friday. My second favorite "F" word.
HAHA! They both are so fitting for this week!
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