I'm pretty sure it's not what you're thinking... Catchy title, though, huh? *snarky grin*
I've hinted around to it for some time now. And even when people straight up ask me, I stumble, looking for my words, minimize it, avoid it, and even denied it. I've really, REALLY struggled with admitting it, because I am afraid of the looks, cynicism, don't want to feel the doubt others have and I fight on the daily. You can't go back, really, after verbalizing such a thing...
Hi, my name is Amy, and I...
...I am training for a triathlon.
*GASP*
I KNOW, RIGHT?! If you're rolling your eyes because it's not what you thought I'd say, good. If you're rolling your eyes because you're exasperated by yet another attempt of mine to own this body and condition it to be the machine I know it can be, please do not pass "GO," and immediately direct your cursor to the small "X" on your browser's tab. I'm not making any apologies for not even wanting to hear your arguments, "sincere concern," against it. Good day, Sir! (-Willy Wonka, first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
If you're still here, thank you. There's like 3 of you who read this randomness from my head now, and I think 2 of you are probably still here. *blush*
Let me tell you about what's been happening since I started this and couldn't fully admit it. Remember whenever we'd go to the lake and I'd INSIST on wearing the life-jacket, or being the one to carry the float?? WELL. I can swim. Like, laps even! WITHOUT a life preserver! HAHAHA!! I have these God-sent coaches (directed to me by Finding Her Happy Pace) with Be Bold Crew (click here for their Facebook page and you can get a taste of how supportive they are, genuine, and interested in building you both physically AND mentally).
It's not pretty, but if you're interested, this was a video my coach took of my first full 50 yards (2 POOL LENGTHS!!) without stopping.
Other things that have been made available to me for training are cycling classes, running clinics, a mechanics class for strength-training to promote injury-free training/racing, and didactic sessions including goal-setting, nutrition class, gear clinic, and more! Admittedly, I embarked on this journey with only my toe in the water, so to speak. I thought, I'll train with them, but I won't do an event. It's really to keep me moving through the winter since it's typically so hard on my body. I had a secret desire all along, and it was simply fear-based that I couldn't fully commit, or even admit, that I was going to do this.
The other night, I attended the mechanics class. I'm definitely the oldest and most, well, we'll leave it at "out of shape" in ALL the classes. It's a little intimidating. But I'll tell you, that's MY issue. It's not because anyone else makes me feel that way. In fact, everyone...EVERY ONE is so supportive, helpful, encouraging, and seems to believe in my ability even when I question it. A little, ok, A LOT embarrassing: at class I found myself suddenly a bit...off. Dizzy, like. OMG. Everyone was working so hard, I didn't want to have to stop and disappoint anyone for not working as hard! (I know, I told you I was "off.") I couldn't even trust myself to get back in the groove, though...WORST. NIGHTMARE. Again, the problem was ALL ME, though. NO ONE made me feel embarrassed, snickered, or otherwise. In fact, offered support, encouragement, identified I needed to hydrate and I even got a chocolate! WHAAAT?! YES! And after the episode, helped me to identify what may have triggered it and how to help avoid it going forward. These women are funny, supportive, STRONG, genuine...and I'm so proud to be associated with them. I can't keep that a secret any longer. I don't even want to...(well, kinda, but I'm working through it. *blush*).
I have swim class tonight. And I'm actually excited! Actually, while the swimming part is the scariest for me, it's the one I look forward to most. My neurologist is happy to hear I'm in the pool, and I can tell the difference this winter in trying to control stupid MS flare-ups by being in the pool. Of course the zero-impact aspect is amazing, but the constant pressure of the water helps to quell some of the muscle spasms! Don't tell the coaches, but it's like one hour a week of massage therapy...with sore arms the next day! *wink wink*
So there it is: I'm out. *grin* I'm training for a triathlon.
You know I struggle with motivation and accountability. I'll tell you, finally committing to this has triggered my motivation! The accountability has been a huge part, but by being there, I'm actually getting validated that my efforts are worth it, which perpetuates the motivation. I guess it doesn't have to be a tri, for sure, but maybe you could commit to something, too??
My journey to self discovery, spiritual growth, and everlasting quest for health, fitness...and guilt-free ways to eat my sweets
Monday, February 22, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Sometimes I can be a real A-Hole
I will thank you in advance for not being judgy...
I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and do it. I often have a running "blog" going on in my mind that I think would transfer beautifully to my page...if I ever got around to it.
At the risk of sounding too whiney or depressed, I'll try and be brief about this:
January was unexpectedly difficult, physically and mentally.
I was SO encouraged through December, planning for success this year. I even reminded myself of the stupidity surrounding the New Year resolution concept, allowing for just being excited to start something new, no matter the time, so I wouldn't feel the inherent pressure that comes along with resolutions and has contributed to my failure accomplishing them year after year. I sought support in others in the community, building the kind of network that keeps you excited and want to continue with it. I signed up for things to solidify my commitment. I was ready.
I can't say what triggered it exactly. I was overcome with a lack of energy...paralyzed with overwhelming lethargy. Too tired to even care that my goals were slipping through the hour glass like the sands of time. People reached out to me, true enough. This is how I can be an A-Hole at times: do you know I couldn't bring myself to respond...engage?? Again I had the running commentary in my head with them, but could never get up and actually do it. I didn't work. I didn't take care of my home. Scrambled at the last minute to help my little one meet her mountain of homework responsibilities (for Kindergarten!), all-in-all setting a horrible example and modeling someone I never want her to be.
I did manage to power-through a few sessions of swimming with the Bold Beginners group through the Be Bold Crew, though. I was totally amped after, too! During my 50-min drive home I composed an exciting entry that would reflect my new-found admiration for the Crew, their support, and share how I was transformed into feeling the possibility and potential in myself by their kind words, direction, and support. By the time I got home, my body was realizing how cold it was outside and responded accordingly with its typical propensity to seize and the mere suggestion of moving resulted in pain. It quickly deflated my sense of accomplishment and motivation.
As quickly as it came on, the fog is quickly lifting and I'm left with some shame, a lot of embarrassment, and anxiety to my very core regarding what I've missed, who I let down, and the fear of irreparable damages. That is almost enough to keep me in bed behaving the same way...
I'm frankly sick of my inaction, though, and sick of the way I feel, so I'm forcing facing it and forging forward (sooooo many "f"s, but I can't think of a way to reword it!)! I'm not sure what that looks like today, but I think it starts with accountability, so here I am. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, as they say...
Making amends is a step, too. I've left a lot of people hanging and simply neglected others, and I'm sorry for being this A-Hole. It's not for lack of importance to me, I assure you, and hopefully I'll be able to prove that in short order.
I was supposed to join my Bold Beginners group for a bike ride this morning (I think it's bike not run week). I was too intimidated, my confidence so shaken. I gotta get that mess under control...it's only creating a barrier to me feeling better and getting better, I know it. My eating has been better, but not great. If you know me, then you know that since I was feeling like that in January, my emotions were starving and demanded being fed their sweets to feel better. I know, I know...it didn't really help, but even I admit the temporary satiation was a welcome reprieve at the time... No one can tell me food is not a drug.
OH! I may regret this public proclamation, but I've got to release its power over me: I'm also sick of feeling jealous over others' efforts and accomplishments. I've tricked myself into feeling "less than" and adopted a pervasive sense of "inability" when seeing others continue to persevere and work toward their goals. This is so shameful. And it is in EVERY facet of life, not just the whole health and wellness bit. I've experienced this physical pang when
So, if you're still reading this, it means I have bravely (stupidly??) left this entry up as evidence of what it's like to go through a bad phase, proof I am a flawed human, and maybe even as a testimony to the possibility of positive change.
Again, I thank you for not being too judgy, and know I aim that you should never have to deal with this person again. :)
I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and do it. I often have a running "blog" going on in my mind that I think would transfer beautifully to my page...if I ever got around to it.
At the risk of sounding too whiney or depressed, I'll try and be brief about this:
January was unexpectedly difficult, physically and mentally.
I was SO encouraged through December, planning for success this year. I even reminded myself of the stupidity surrounding the New Year resolution concept, allowing for just being excited to start something new, no matter the time, so I wouldn't feel the inherent pressure that comes along with resolutions and has contributed to my failure accomplishing them year after year. I sought support in others in the community, building the kind of network that keeps you excited and want to continue with it. I signed up for things to solidify my commitment. I was ready.
I can't say what triggered it exactly. I was overcome with a lack of energy...paralyzed with overwhelming lethargy. Too tired to even care that my goals were slipping through the hour glass like the sands of time. People reached out to me, true enough. This is how I can be an A-Hole at times: do you know I couldn't bring myself to respond...engage?? Again I had the running commentary in my head with them, but could never get up and actually do it. I didn't work. I didn't take care of my home. Scrambled at the last minute to help my little one meet her mountain of homework responsibilities (for Kindergarten!), all-in-all setting a horrible example and modeling someone I never want her to be.
I did manage to power-through a few sessions of swimming with the Bold Beginners group through the Be Bold Crew, though. I was totally amped after, too! During my 50-min drive home I composed an exciting entry that would reflect my new-found admiration for the Crew, their support, and share how I was transformed into feeling the possibility and potential in myself by their kind words, direction, and support. By the time I got home, my body was realizing how cold it was outside and responded accordingly with its typical propensity to seize and the mere suggestion of moving resulted in pain. It quickly deflated my sense of accomplishment and motivation.
As quickly as it came on, the fog is quickly lifting and I'm left with some shame, a lot of embarrassment, and anxiety to my very core regarding what I've missed, who I let down, and the fear of irreparable damages. That is almost enough to keep me in bed behaving the same way...
I'm frankly sick of my inaction, though, and sick of the way I feel, so I'm forcing facing it and forging forward (sooooo many "f"s, but I can't think of a way to reword it!)! I'm not sure what that looks like today, but I think it starts with accountability, so here I am. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, as they say...
Making amends is a step, too. I've left a lot of people hanging and simply neglected others, and I'm sorry for being this A-Hole. It's not for lack of importance to me, I assure you, and hopefully I'll be able to prove that in short order.
I was supposed to join my Bold Beginners group for a bike ride this morning (I think it's bike not run week). I was too intimidated, my confidence so shaken. I gotta get that mess under control...it's only creating a barrier to me feeling better and getting better, I know it. My eating has been better, but not great. If you know me, then you know that since I was feeling like that in January, my emotions were starving and demanded being fed their sweets to feel better. I know, I know...it didn't really help, but even I admit the temporary satiation was a welcome reprieve at the time... No one can tell me food is not a drug.
OH! I may regret this public proclamation, but I've got to release its power over me: I'm also sick of feeling jealous over others' efforts and accomplishments. I've tricked myself into feeling "less than" and adopted a pervasive sense of "inability" when seeing others continue to persevere and work toward their goals. This is so shameful. And it is in EVERY facet of life, not just the whole health and wellness bit. I've experienced this physical pang when
- observing other parents seemingly so easily interacting with their kids, not having to talk through clenched teeth to successfully redirect them
- my husband enjoying time with my daughter at the expense of maintaining the house and not appearing to be bothered by its state
- people get to travel or share their experiences with fascinating nights out
- co-workers easily achieve productivity standards and accolades
- peers excel at swim class and pick up on technique and ability faster than I
- friends post about their own efforts and achievements in their health and wellness endeavors
So, if you're still reading this, it means I have bravely (stupidly??) left this entry up as evidence of what it's like to go through a bad phase, proof I am a flawed human, and maybe even as a testimony to the possibility of positive change.
Again, I thank you for not being too judgy, and know I aim that you should never have to deal with this person again. :)
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