When Motivation Isn't Enough

Wouldn't you know it?  Right when I finally got my mind in sync with my body...my body stopped listening.

I don't know...maybe it's finally the sunny warm weather that begs me to come be a part of it, but I have the motivation...a desire...a NEED even, to get out and run! I've been somewhat successful and getting out there, though my running portions are smaller and fewer than I would like, I'm at least out there, shaking the cobwebs out of my stiffening frame.  The issue with my short intervals doesn't seem like lack of fitness, as I would have thought.  My body feels...differently.  Perhaps if I were a real writer, I'd have the capacity to provide the mental imagery to explain it, but I'm not.  Alas, we'll try this:

It's like;

a feeling of lack of control, with a stubbornness to keep queuing up the movement anyway

that funny tingly feeling you get when a limb falls asleep...only it's not so funny anymore and isn't going away

where did that wall come from, and how did it suddenly jump in front of me?

I'd add more to the list, but I'm suddenly too tired...fatigue.  Paralyzing fatigue.

*****20-minute power nap*****

looking through fog, knowing any step now it will clear up...but doesn't

walking through water when everyone around you is sprinting through air

tip-of-the-tongue syndrome...it's right there...what's that called??  I know it, I know it, I know it...

sores inside my mouth from accidentally biting my tongue that won't seem to get out of the way

difficulty swallowing, which helps me to appear like an infant getting fed rice for the first time (I know, ew, right?)

*drum roll* And my all-time favorite since this whole process of change started *cymbal*: twice in 4 weeks almost dropping my 6-mo-old nieces because I realized rigamortis-like muscle spasm quickly settling in my arm, and having no time to set the babies somewhere safe.  Yeah.  Auntie of the Year, here.  [Insert here the dark thoughts that nag in the cellar of my mind, "THIS is why you couldn't get pregnant...]

I guess this sums up how my body feels differently lately.  Not to mention the total mental mind f*&k of hearing your 5-yo say the following and not have any ounce of power to do anything about it;

"I know you're not good at carrying me anymore, but I wish you could."
"Can you PLEEEAAASE take me on a bike ride? Just a short one, I promise."
"Wake up, Mommy.  Wake up.  Mommy! Wake up! Please just make me some breakfast...!"
"Your back hurts again?!"
"I'll carry this for you, it's too heavy for you."

If I stopped to process with you how I felt about these, we might never leave this blog.  I do need to reach some plateau of acceptance soon, this downward spiral isn't good for any of us.

I guess my point is, I'm learning there may not ever be the "balance" with motivation and energy, time and money, weather and opportunity...you name it.  Maybe it's best to try to press on anyway, because you might wake up crippled tomorrow?  Drastic and self-defeating, I know, but the moral is there.  Had I stopped whining about a lack of motivation and gotten my butt out there anyway, I may have helped to avoid exacerbations with the increased physical activity, or at the very least dropped some of these pounds so I wouldn't be carrying extra weight during tougher times...literally.

Long story long, I find myself retreating to this motto, "At least try."  Then I can avoid these guilt-ridden posts later... *snarky grin*