The Power of Suggestion

I had this totally awesome weekend as I got to host my girls from my annual Girls' Camp and their beautiful children for a slumber party! It was so. much. FUN! Just visiting, playing, and of course, lots of eating thanks to DD's gourmet chef-ery (yeah, I made that up.  But it fits, so...).  I had already committed to no point or calorie counting for the weekend, I just wanted to enjoy myself.  I was hoping keeping portions to a good size would work itself out since I had to share with 9 other mouths...and it did.  ;)

So, imagine my surprise after my weekend of gluttony and weeks of intermittent workouts, DD said it appeared I was losing weight.  She may have been lying to be kind (even if you did, thank you ;)), but it worked.  Because someone thought I was being successful, I felt compelled to actually act successful! The rest of the day and (thankfully) even into today, I've felt successful and made choices based on that! I even worked out today!

Walked 15 mins
Ran 20 mins
Walked 10 mins
Ran 10
Walked 5 mins
THEN lifted weights and worked on leg strengthening

I know; WHAAAAT?! AND of course I felt amazing.  I've already set out my clothes to workout after work tomorrow for a good-faith preparation effort.

Full disclosure - once again a fire lit under my ass when I learned one of my friends is deep into her commitment in her Milf on a Mission/Fit by 40 campaign.  For the love of Pete, it was my idea, and I can't get going! =D Hearing/seeing her made a familiar feeling return in my belly, a burning desire to act and DO more.  Later that evening, my sister sent out a family text wondering whether we were all participating in our (now 3rd annual) Tax Trot 5K April 11th.  I figured, it's THREE weeks away.  Certainly I can get myself into 5K shape...right?? So I'm on my way!

Only as a matter of checking in, I'll mention my stiffness was tough to shake off at first, and took longer than was my old "normal."  But, it DID come off, just long enough for me to walk/run.  Immediately after, it settled back in...all the literature and educational presentations I've attended suggest you have to keep moving to keep the fatigue and muscle stiffness at bay.  That really sucks.  In case you were wondering.  >:|

2015 Bike MS Frankenmuth event

I'm officially registered!

So far it seems Team Amy will remain primarily the same as last year, and maybe even a couple of additions (including my husband!)!

The event this year will be the weekend of September 26-27, 2015. I've already heard Ann plans to do just the first day...this makes me wonder if I should try to do the increased miles again?? It's so early...6 months in advance, 197 days.  I'm just so excited already! If you're considering supporting this awesome cause, here's a link!  ;)

Team Amy BikeMS Frankenmuth 2015

Or consider joining our team and riding with us! :D

Join Team Amy!

I keep putting all these events out there hoping it'll help me focus, train, give me motivation... and none of it's working!  HAHA! Seriously! Why not this time?  While I love researching the crap out of most things, which serves two purposes (avoiding the work and oh yeah, learning), I'm kind of sick of the topic.  The truth is, I'm obsessing about my health and nothing more than that; obsessing.  I've planned workouts, but done nothing to prepare to make them happen.  My diet is better, but that's about it. So, I'm stuck in a holding pattern again, knowing full well what I should be doing, when I should be doing it, and simply not making myself do it.  There's no wondrous secret to figure out.

I've also been obsessing about finding a new job.  I still have mine, but I know in my heart it's time for a change.  I've applied for many, and already had a few denials. Initially I had planned to react with bitter resentment, as is my go-to feeling (sad, I know.  Don't worry, it gets better.).  But when I read the agencies' responses, I was truly ok!  I knew it must not be the fit I'm looking for, and am happy I didn't find out after leaving my current position just to get into another less-than-ideal situation.  I've been praying about it and opening myself up to other types of opportunities, not just in mental health.  I'm excited to see where this goes, but also content waiting for the right fit.  Now THIS is a genuine accomplishment!

Tangent: am I the only mother of a pre-schooler that is not excited to participate in party planning?  This is just not my forte.  I feel bad for not enjoying the process!  I know in too short of a time, she'll be in high school and I would die to be able to plan and attend one of her parties, but this is just zapping for me! I'm totally fine with showing up, being told what to do, clean up, rearrange furniture, whatever! But search for snacks, games, crafts?? *sigh* Thank God I wasn't the assigned "Lead Mom" on this one... *whew!*

*Blink* *Blink*

I'm bummed my posts are becoming bi-monthly! Seriously blink and weeks go by...

A lot has happened in 2 weeks:

You know my niece was born, and I finally got to meet her last Saturday.  What a peanut! I remember her mother being just the same way...so precious! It's easily love at first sight.

My cousin had her baby...baby number 2 of 4 to be born in our family this year!

...or is it?! My OTHER sister just announced she's pregnant, too!  I'm beyond thrilled for her.  This is what she's been wanting for some time now, and she is going to be such an incredible and fun mother.  This is her first, so it's always fun to watch families expand by their first one!  So after my other 2 cousins have their babies later this year, she'll have baby number 5 in October.  Let's see...I have to get knocked up by the end of next month to have baby number 6 in the family this year.... Hmmm... You think that's reason enough to try to get me healthy?  I guess we'll see...

Recent MRI results reveal an increase in white matter (lesions) since the last... So I'm officially on intervention instead of symptom maintenance.  I began my Copaxone injections yesterday.  A nurse came to the home and for an hour went over the process, educated me some more on the disease, and had me do my first injection.  She was very nice and supportive.  Outside of that, let me just say this all sucks.  The medicine is Fed-Ex'd to my home once/month & I store the viles in my refrigerator until it's time to use them.  The injection itself bites just a little, but the slow release of the medicine into my body BURNS.  And 23 hours later I still have a welt and a bruise at the injection site.  I've really had to work to renew my mind about this, and not fall into the misery that is a slippery slope.  It is what it is, and this is supposed to help.  So, you do it...right?  I've had such an outbreak of symptoms lately (uncontrolled tongue effecting speech and swallowing, weakness in my arms, and can't seem to feel the bottom of my left foot/leg, so gait is impaired), that it helps me to think I'm doing something so I can play with Vi much longer than the course seems to be right now...

I've worked out only 5 times since my last entry, too. YIKES! My first Half this year is 90ish days away!!  My diet has been so-so.  But every day I keep trying.  And every day I am aware of what I'm doing and why I'm not doing certain things.  Let's hope "awareness" is the first step of something big then...  ;)  I know it's been either a tough time of year, or just that others are feeling similarly, as one of my fav bloggers admittedly had to take a hiatus to get herself back in check.  I still get my daily quotes and inspiration from DD, which is probably what keeps my awareness consistent.  It IS time to get serious, though.  Like, for real this time.  :P

Mantras...and my new niece

Man, time flies... You'd think I'd have a lot to say, and I probably do, but can't remember much of it.  Good thing? I don't know...

Anyway, I'm into mantras lately.  And LOVING inspirational/motivational quotes being sent to me on the daily by my virtual training partner.  We'll just call her DD.  ;)  Isn't it nice knowing there's someone out there that can relate to the struggle?  I don't know if it's "misery loves company," (I jest) but knowing you're not the only one is comforting somehow.  Sadly, because of the foot and a half of snow we got, and record low temps, I haven't been able to catch up with my real-life partner, Ann Mary.  I'm looking forward to some more mild days so I can!

I digress.  So I've been practicing renewing my mind to be more positive and focused (which in an of itself is like a daily workout.  As it turns out, I can be one bitter, negative gal!).  Mantras and quotes have been helping IMMENSELY.  Here are some of my favs and go-tos:

• You're not going to find time to exercise.  You need to MAKE time to exercise. -DD's co-worker (genius) 
• Great things never come from comfort zones. 
• I am more than a conqueror.  I love thinking that God made my body to do this.  The Kenyans are my example, LOL! It CAN be done!
• Just. Keep. Moving.

There are others that I think about a lot, but cannot recall at this moment.  I write this stuff all over my house; mirrors, sticky notes, refrigerator note board... It's cheesy, but it helps.  Try it.  NOT doing it isn't getting you anywhere, soooooo.....  

I also still think a lot about being a better model for Vi.  I know I've mentioned this before, but I have to bring it to the present again.  If not for me, for her.  Maybe that's another mantra...  I don't want to jinx myself, but for the recent 2 weeks I have not only consistently tracked the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I've also managed to work out the majority of days in the week.  It's felt really good.  I feel proud of myself for having done it, and proud that I powered through my own negative thinking and self-talk after work; "It's late, you really need your rest." "What's one more day?" "I don't feel good..."  I did it anyway.  Clearly I survived AND I'm better for it.  You think I remember that the next day?  Of course not...

So, I love these things and they're working for me lately so I'm going to stay with it until it doesn't work for me!

Seriously.  MY body. WOW!

YES! For ME!

I'm making a gentlemen's handshake.  It's go time!

So what works for you? Care to share??

And last but certainly not least, my precious little niece, was born yesterday, February 12.  I just want to squeeze her!!  Well done, AJ...

Just another reason to renew my thinking and truly live the healthier, more fit lifestyle I'm working toward.  She needs her auntie to be around AND be strong for her! :)

Super Bowl Confessions

I LOVE SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!

I don't necessarily love the teams in this Super Bowl 49, but that's another post for another time, I guess.

I'll thank you in advance for your unconditional, non-judging assessment of this entry.  Some of the content is very embarrassing and my attempt at real talk is to get it out there and fix it! :)

I planned some health-conscious friendly snacks/food for the day, too, to avoid over doing it.  I guess that's my first confession; I DID overdo it yesterday as we went to Buddy's Pizza where I had 1/2 an individual-sized antipasto salad and 2.5 slices of deep dish pizza! *gasp*  I know, right?! I have no justification as I loved every bite of it.  However, my WW week starts on Wednesday and I hadn't used any of my weekly points yet, so I'm still not over this week (...so far).  Anyway, I digress.  Have an oriental cabbage salad, various fruit, and chicken nachos planned for this evening.  YUM!  I might even get in some form of activity today and earn points for some Angry Orchard (I LOVE that stuff!) because they're 6 PTS!!  Yikes.

Second confession is, well, bad.  I'm putting it out there in hopes that it helps cleanse me and you know exactly what type of person you're dealing with here.  So my sister, whom I've been encouraging to get out and walk, trot, jog, or run for 2 years now, and has a membership at a gym, got a brand new treadmill for her home.  AND she posts on the Facebook how she's completed week 3 of the C25K program.  And I'm smug.  SMUG! I realize I'm jealous. JEALOUS! She doesn't read this blog so it's okay to put it all out there.  I'm jealous she gets a new treadmill at home, as mine is old, used by someone else, AND that she's actually doing it!  I am not.  Not as consistently as I had planned, and now she's showing progress.  Progress that is AWESOME! I mean, the human side of me is truly thrilled.  I am so proud of her and I can tell it's starting to build the confidence that we all know comes with doing this.  I can't wait to join her this summer and go for runs together; I think that would be so awesome!!  But the insecure, bitter, jealous a-hole side of me says, "Hmph." I'm so gross.  I mean, I want my other sister desperately to do the same thing, as she and I are virtual partners in our fitness quest for at least 3 years now.  Why am I not jealous of her??  So weird!  And gross.  I'm so gross.  While I was walking on my jenky treadmill that night, I felt a burn inside me that said, "Oh yeah? Well.  You're going to have to try and catch this!" I mean, a little positive competition is good! I can't tell yet if it was positive or plain mean.  I want to shake my initial response because I know it's not who I am.  I'm just feeling so insecure and unworthy right now and hatin' on someone who is doing what I want to be doing is just poor sportsmanship and evidence that I not only need to train my body, but train my mind, too.  I've GOT to get my head on right... I swear, the mental component is at least 90% of the game.  Ok, so this cathartic effort has in fact helped in righting my mind.  I'm going to keep exercising my brain, too.

Last confession for this post:  Periodically I get hung up on interactions with people that happened in the past.  I've recognized lately that I've been using those negative interactions as evidence to support my unworthiness.  I'm not sure WHY this has started to be a hang up for me NOW, but it is.  It's feeding my insecurity and paralyzing my motivation.  It feels a bit lonely because I feel embarrassed for feeling this way, of course!

You know me; I like to analyze the crap out of everything, so it's made me feel slightly better that I've been able to identify the force that's been working against me and getting in the way of working toward my goals.  I believe I can do something about that now.  And I'll tell you, I'm counting a lot on my faith lately and I have to say I can see the results already.  After all, I've already learned the strength isn't coming from within me alone, so...why not trying relying on that for a while?

Happy New Year...again!

You might guess by my brief absence the train went off the track.

I've decided I don't need January 1 to be my only definitive, re-joining of my journey in healthy living.  So I say again, "Happy New Year," today to denote I'm trying yet again to make "healthy living" a way of life.

Here are a few reasons in no order of importance, as they all are:

• I'm nearly back to the weight/size I was when I began this journey...4 years ago!! I don't want the recent 4 years to have been like a non-existent twilight zone and I'm just right where I always was.
• My clothes don't fit and it's gross.  Gross, I tell you.
• My poor fitness level isn't helping my overall physical functioning.
• I've recently observed some moments with my daughter that troubled me.  It's my job to provide for her, teach her, and try to create a best-case-scenario for her.  If I'm not my best, that's what she sees, and that's what she will strive for in herself. I've said it here a million times that I need to be a good role model.  I've seen first hand recently why.  It was truly heartbreaking and the weight of "mother's guilt" was heavy.  Is heavy.  This isn't really about my Mom on a Mission or Fit by Forty...it's about changing our lives for the better, forever.

It's because of this last bullet point that I've realized I have to start slower than I planned.  When I imagined myself back into the swing of things, I pictured picking up where I left off.  It's setting myself up for failure to do that.  So.  I've shifted my thinking to stop attempting a balls-to-the-wall effort to supposedly yield great results, when in actuality I've gotten the opposite results in the last 8 weeks, and think smaller.  Slower.  Working new habits into our daily functioning so that it doesn't always feel like "work."  Dan is finally on board, my desperation apparently overwhelming him enough to "get it."  We planned a week's worth of healthy (ier) meals.  He's helping me by making sure I always have my water jug and my plant-based protein smoothie for a healthy, filling, delicious snack at work.  We have stood strong against Vi at dinner time and not allowed her a PB & J alternative, encouraging her to try her beef & broccoli, which she ended up loving! (I didn't have the rice.  ;))  AND...I walked on that dang treadmill.  Just 28 minutes, but it's WAAAAY more than I've been doing.  I've asked Dan to help keep me accountable with that, too.  Just building some consistency.  That's it.  Just be consistent at SOMETHING!

For extra fun and motivation, I upgraded my Fitbit to the Surge.  I.  Love.  It.  It's a little big for an every day watch, but I think it looks cool, though!

I'll say this as well:  I've recently attended a class through my ministry.  Whatever you look to, gods, goddesses, Mother Nature, Mother Earth, The Secret, and so on...LOOK THERE.  I found here some of the words I needed to renew my mind, have a clearer focus, and an understanding that as an individual I am capable.  It has been spiritually fulfilling and I am so moved to encourage you to find the same wherever you look.  I believe it's helping!

So maybe your New Year is starting on January 20th, too?  Maybe it won't until March?  As long as it starts.  And I encourage you to chose the date.  :)

Yes, I'm avoiding you

I'll say it again:

Yes, I'm avoiding you.

Sorry.  I AM motivated and have my strong desire in check, but...I'm tired.  And it's cold.  And...did I say I'm tired?

I HAVE done some positive, behind-the-scenes preparation, though.  I created this:

It's difficult to see, but every day I have my work out planned, with count downs, PRs, and room for make-up days if necessary!  Official training starts February twelfth.  Until then, I'm just doing light endurance-building runs.  In case you're wondering: 138 days 'till Bayshore!

I'm working to get out of the holiday eating and at least trying to track all my food in the WW app, and suck down the water.  Why is the water so hard to get in?!?  OMG...*that's what she said*

Baby steps...