Best 5 out of 6

I think I finally hit my wall.  I MUST have.  BECAUSE for the last 5 out of 6 days, I have run.

"And I was running!"  Anyone?

Friday I hit the 'mill while my daughter was in preschool.  Saturday I got up and did fartleks (I KNOW,  RIGHT?!) with my dog (she loved them.  I guess a Husky would).  Sunday I took a day off (even God rested on Sunday).  Monday hit the 'mill again while my daughter was in preschool.  Tuesday...now get this: after my 12-1/2 hour work day, I went the to the gym and ran on the 'mill! The real shocker is that Wednesday I did the SAME!!  AND did I mention strict tracking the whole week?? WHEW!

I'm elated.  Even better, I don't feel that it was too much of a lifestyle shift to make this happen.  I mean, I did this all last year.  Something just clicked in me that I had to get going and keep going.

One of my BFF's little 9-year-old girl is my "friend" on our Fitbit page.  Would you believe she kicks my butt in daily steps...well, daily?!  She created a "challenge" with a bunch of her friends so we all joined and could see where each other fell instantly.  It was FUN!  I was in third until some stinker snuck in in the last 4 minutes and pushed me into fourth.  But that little challenge pushed me to go to the gym even more!  So today, I created one with my sister.  She's pregnant and beat me during my work day...so you guessed it: had to hit the 'mill and conquer! LOL!

I have my goals...not clearly defined just yet, but I know they're there now and that I want something out of them.  There will be more on that sooner than later.

Tomorrow I go for my referral for the opthamalogist to see about that poor vision issue in my left eye.    Good thing you don't need your eye for running...!

Square one...or not

I really like this message...I just wish I believed it.  The other day, I saw in front of the gym for 20 minutes, in the car, unable to go inside.  I was texting my sister who offered me some nice bits of wisdom that I will need to continue to reflect on to keep going:

• You are not starting over, just picking up where you left off
• Don't be afraid to pick up again, it's a chance to rebuild what you want
• You HAVE done this before, so you know it CAN be done again, even if it feels too hard
• Just start with 15 minutes.  No matter what, that's more than what could have happened sitting on the couch
• 15 minutes from now, you can either feel proud of yourself, or lazy and disappointed

WOW.  That was pretty powerful.  So, I dragged my butt in, allowing myself 15 minutes then figuring everything after was a bonus.  I started on the treadmill and did intervals for ... get this ... 60 minutes!!  It goes without saying that of course I felt awesome and was grateful for having done it.  The next day, I got up and did 35 minutes of intervals around my neighborhood.  TODAY, I went to the gym again and stayed on the 'mill for 60 minutes, doing fast intervals and of course felt awesome.  

SO, I feel like I'm back at it.  I've beat myself up pretty good physically, allowing myself to gain weight unhealthily like that and get out of shape, decreasing my conditioning by what feels like 100%.  THEN I beat myself up pretty good mentally, which has been the major barrier in the way of me being "back at it" much sooner.  Interesting, of the blogs I follow, it seems many are suffering from this right now, for reasons unknown, and fear getting back to it.  I like redirecting my thinking from being at "square one," to simply returning to my journey.  I've noticed that I lack goals, which is severely impacting my drive (or lack thereof), so I've begun thinking seriously about what I want next...or in general.  It's so scary, because it makes it real.  But, I've also learned I need it go be "real" to make anything happen. More on that later...

My mental state has embarrassingly effected my thinking with respect to other non-running related to things.  I think not running/working out left all that negative energy stuck in me and boiled up to my brain.  That's bad.  Very bad.  That said, look for more positive things coming from me...I really don't like behaving that way.

While running, I had all of this stuff I wanted to say, and couldn't wait to get to sit and write it out... Of course, writer's block.  ;) I guess this is just a part of my journey as well. =D

BikeMS Frankenmuth

What. A.WEEKEND!

Camping, friends, carriage rides...and of course biking!

My friend organized a team of 6 riders to form "Team Amy" and fundraise for the National MS Society.  We chose the 60-mile weekend, which meant riding 30 miles on Saturday and 30 miles on Sunday through a beautiful route plotted through and around Frankenmuth.

It was so beautiful! It's taken me awhile to get this entry together, hoping I'd find the words to adequately express what I was feeling.  All I came up with was adjectives to reflect my physical sensations, and all mostly about my butt, quite frankly:

Ow
Sore
Pain
Ow

I also had the expected endorphin rush of completing such a task, and even after 30 miles, somehow I wasn't as physically spend as running just 13.1.  Hmmm....

I still don't have the words for the emotions I experienced.  Look at all these people who have spent their time, energy, and effort to help those they love.  And my friend Ann lead the way...unbelievable.  No one else in my life really acknowledges it, and hear she is organizing a team, fundraising and riding 30 miles while 6-months pregnant.  It was overwhelming! To say I was experiencing gratitude, love, support...is a huge understatement...unfortunately brain fog prevents me from finding it.  ;P

On Sunday, I rode alone.  I decided if I was still feeling physically up to riding that day, I was going to tackle the 50-mile route that day...you never know: I might not be able to next year! =D  I figured, I can at least do the 30 miles, as that's what I committed to, and if I'm not feeling it, the SAG vehicle will bring me in.  Guess what:  I did it!!  And I felt amazing!! I mean, I had to literally had to be peeled off my bike at the end, but I did it!  Vivian was there to meet me and almost got ran over as she tackled me, welcoming to the Finish Line, and Dan gave me my medal.  *shaking my head*  I cannot tell you how this moment felt.  Everyone who participated in this will forever hold a special place in my heart.  That's all I can say... Thank you. xo

Team Amy

Ann and the beautiful scenery

Vi bringing me in to the Finish Line

Carriage ride...since after riding 30 miles I needed it! LOL!

My 2nd Annual Detroit Women's Half Marathon & 5K Race Review!

You know, these races really are a weekend event!  So, this is a long one, but I think worth it!

First:  The Expo

The Expotique held at Cobo Hall was a fantastic venue.  This race has a unique secondary gain that other races just don't have:  the support, encouragement, and strength that is gathered among these participants, vendors, and organizers is insurmountable.  I cannot say enough about this race: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!  There were so many amazing vendors, so in the interest of time...and well, interest, I'll narrow it to just a couple of my favs!

I got to meet in person Heather Durocher of Michigan Runner Girl, who also wrote the amazing article of me for Another Mother Runner a couple of months ago!  She's a sweet, genuine woman who shares her passion of running and basically any activity this great state of Michigan has to offer.  It was such a pleasure to meet her and am looking forward to "running" into her again!  

It was pretty fun for me as I perused the many vendors and saw so many faces I recognized, and I wondered, "How do I think I know all these people?"  It's simply from following their blogs!  Another fan-fav of mine, is Heather Quinlan of Finding Her Happy Pace! It was so exciting to get to meet her in person as well.  I only found her page a couple of months ago, but so much of her personal story and message resonates with me, that I feel we've been training together forever! LOL! That's my sister and I with Heather in the third picture down in the left column.  Thank you Heather, as I "borrowed" this from your page!  You should visit her page often, as her journey is authentic and inspirational!

<----We painted a picture with the assistance of Paint and Pour! Here's my sister, Audrey-Jo, as we're creating our Women Run the D masterpiece!  

----> Here's what it is supposed to look like.  I'll spare you how mine turned out.  Let's just say painting apparently isn't my forte'...but it was so much fun and a unique piece of swag!

Fellow Flowers is another popular vendor, as their message is so strong; that clarity of purpose is our strongest power and creating a clear and true path to self-realization.  BEAUTIFUL! Here's one of my favs (that I have yet to purchase!!):  

If you've been following me at all, you know that they must've written this just for me.  It still brings tears to my eyes and creates a fire in belly!

Race Day:

We set our alarms for 5:00 a.m., in time to wake up and hear it DOWN-POURING.  I've never run in such rain and was curious to see what it would be like (besides sucking.  I've read others say what a "cleansing" act it was...I just don't know about that).  Audrey-Jo and her two boys stayed the night to caravan with us to Belle Isle, as she's pushing them in her double-stroller in the 5K (side note:  she hasn't formally completed a 5K since April! She's nervous about this...I know she's a Rock Star and will finish awesome).  My Aunt Vicki also stayed with us as she's partnering with me in the Half, her first ever!  We take off in the rain at 6:00, still dark, a balmy 64 degrees.  Luckily, traffic is in our favor and we arrive on time.  The parking was slightly confusing, but plentiful and accommodating.  I  would be remiss if I didn't mention this, although it pains me to have to have to acknowledge any negative about this event.  But, there were not as many port-a-johns at the Start/Finish lines this year, and the lines were painfully long.  They were strategically placed along the route, though, which was MUCH appreciated!  There were a few vendors out that morning, but I was too excited to browse.  There seemed to be one strong down-pour while waiting, then the skies cleared for a beautiful backdrop to our races just in time!  The wind, however, sucked.  I have no other glamorous way to put it:  that whole island, and it was seemingly in your face the whole time! Dang it!

The 1/2 started in waves this year, and because of my lack of training and conditioning, I knew I belonged in the last wave, 3.  I was easily in the zone, and just excited for our horn to sound.  My aunt likes the strategy of running one mile, then walking for 1 minute.  We did that and for 6 miles, I felt really strong.  There were aid stations right when I needed them, offering water, Heed, and gels.  After that, I was feeling the tired setting in. We walked a little longer, slowed our pace, and plugged along.  I kept encouraging her to go ahead, since she just finished the 10-Mile Crim a month ago under 2 hours, she could have rocked this race!  She insisted we made a pact, and stayed with me.  Somewhere along mile 10 I had to stop and stretch.  This is something I never had to do mid-race before! Whaaat?! I was embarrassed.  I laughed so I wouldn't cry.  My mental game was winning.  "You are done.  Nice try.  You can't even see out of one eye, what did you expect would happen? "  I just wanted my aunt to go on, I was so embarrassed.  But she stayed.  Never wavered, and never made me feel I was holding her back.  I thought, "Well, if she's that committed to me, I can commit to at least finishing."  We were hovering so long around being able to get in under 3 hours, that idea was tempting to get my butt in gear.  As we took off again, my left arm was cramping up; also embarrassing as that is a visible sign of this disease that I can otherwise hide.  

I saw Dan and Vivian at least 4 times on the route, which kept me going.  I wanted Vi to see me, see me moving, and see me finishing.  At every pass I saw her, she ran right up to me and through herself on me, forcing me to carry her a couple steps.  She was infusing energy into me and didn't even know it! The last loop I saw them before the finish, she insisted, "Mommy!  I want to run with you!" and ran along side me for probably 40 feet before Dan snatched her up so my aunt and I could continue.  What an amazing 4-year-old!!  

At just before mile 13, as I was telling my aunt I can't do it, I saw my friends, Ann and DeeDee holding signs of encouragement.  I can't remember what they said right now, but I know it made me want to push.  Through tears I called them names for surprising me for being there, and tried to go stronger.  DeeDee, six months-ish pregnant, comes running along side of me for a stretch.  I couldn't even get my laugh out as she was strolling along, easily, with a baby in her belly, alongside me who was struggling to walk normal.  My aunt said, "There's the Finish Line!" and grabbed my hand...I think literally dragging me that last quarter-mile, across the Finish Line at 02:59:36.  We did it.  Under 3 hours....WE DID IT!!! OH MY GOD!!!  

I honestly felt delirious for a little while.  I was trying not to give in to my spasming muscles, trying to internalize the accomplishment I was supposed to be feeling, but still kind of scared at what I was experiencing.  Last year, finishing in 2:38:12, I recall telling Dan I felt I could do it again.  I felt euphoric!  I was waiting for those sensations again...and as my loved ones gathered around me to support me and congratulate me, I finally felt it settling in.  I was dizzy from it...or that I still couldn't see out of my left eye...but began to feel amazing.  Like the "Wonder Woman" my daughter thinks I am.  THAT will carry me through the physical pain, the recovery, and spark the desire to continue to efforts.  

So thank you to Epic Races for another fantastic race, seamlessly executed, and inspiring us to live to our potential.  I'll definitely see you next year!

Thank you, Aunt Vicki, for committing to our pact, me, and getting us across that Finish Line!  Sharing this experience with you was one I haven't shared with anyone else.  

Thank you, Audrey-Jo for believing in yourself enough to try this event.  YOU were a Wonder Woman this weekend!  No training, pushing a double-stroller, by yourself...and leaving with a desire for more!!  I'm excited to share the next part of our journey together.

Ann and DeeDee: ..."thank you" seems lame compared to what you both went through to come and cheer me on, support me, and help me accomplish this goal.  You are my oldest and dearest friends...and continue to show me why.  I love you both!

Dan.  I can't write anything without crying.  I don't even think you read this blog, but I would like for you to know that I acknowledge none of this would happen without you.  You are the backbone to this effort, encouraging me, checking my attitude when I insist I can't do it, driving me, showing our daughter what it is like to have a goal and meet it, and believing in me...endlessly.  I love you...more.

Vivian, YOU ROCK!  As much as I am YOUR biggest fan, I feel your admiration and desire to do the same things.  It's in large part because of you that I will continue to push and model that you should always at least TRY to do something...even if it's not pretty or the best.  Look how cool it is when you at least try.  :)   I love you and thank you for continuing to inspire and motivate me.

Aunt Vicki, me, Audrey-Jo

I earned this bling! 

Aaarrrghhh, matey!

No, it's not a Pirate-themed race.  It was either that title or something about being grateful, but I decided on this one because I think it's more funny.

It's helping me to stay light-hearted and not be overwhelmed, as Wednesday morning I woke up and seemed to have lost vision in my left eye.  Man, I was really struggling with my running before, now THIS...  It's taken a few days to get (mostly) beyond the equilibrium issue, so I'm feeling a little better with that.  The dizziness makes me stomach upset, so I haven't been wanting to eat as much...a plus for me.

I had on the schedule this Sunday (the 14th), the Run for the Wild race at the Detroit Zoo as my pre-race practice run for the 21st's Detroit Women's Half Marathon & 5K.  I was REALLY down, thinking I shouldn't do it at all.  Then I flirted with just doing the 5K and not the 10K I had planned on (per training schedule).  But once we got there, among everyone with their race bibs, the beautifully sunny morning...I couldn't resist.  I registered for the 10K.  I've done this race for 3 years now and generally really like it.  It winds through beautiful neighborhoods, briefly intersects with the golf course, and isn't just a straight out and back.  I would say, through no fault of the Zoo's planning, one may consider their trail running shoes!  I was shocked at the poor shape the roads were in!

Anyway, I expected it to be a painful hour and a half.  The first mile proved right.  My breathing was labored, I couldn't get comfortable, find my rhythm, then almost crippling shin pain!  I haven't experienced that in over a year! They had a water station at Mile 1, and I was so grateful.  I walked through it, enjoyed my whole cup.  I trotted off and tried to shake out the cobwebs, so to speak.  I mean, I was running 13-13:30 minute miles, come on!  A chic was edging up my left, not fast, but faster than I was going.  I started to pick up my pace for a minute and as we connected side-by-side, I paced her for a few, and it felt AWESOME.  I don't know what it was, but that got me focused and I dug deep.  I was able to find my groove immediately.  I was still fighting the urge to fall forward because of no sight in my left eye (it's so weird, you should try it), but I was running (said in best Forest impression)!! I was able to immediately shave one whole minute off my pace/mile, and KEPT it the whole race.  I only finished 8 minutes slower than I did last year, which for me, is almost impossible.  I needed this in a bad way.  I mean, did I mention I'm doing a Half Marathon next Sunday!? :D  I finally have a seed of confidence now.  I'm not looking for time, AT ALL.  I'm legitimately looking to finish.  MS really took me out of the scene this year, and I'm not letting it remove me completely.

That being said...it DID take a lot out of me today, and for some reason I continue to be surprised at how completely drained I can feel.  So, it's a laid back easy night of watching football for me.  A great ending to a great day!  :)

Efforts of a Mustard Seed

This has been brewing for some time...a difficult entry.

Let me just tell you that I've had to work really hard on coping with my sadness and sense of grief and loss regarding my husband and I not being able to have a child together. This last year has been ugly and grueling.  I've lost friendships over my behavior, spewing hurtful things because of the blackness inside.  I backed away from relationships with others that did get pregnant or had new babies near me.  My intimate relationship with my husband suffered, because I thought, "Why bother?"  To say it's been bad is an understatement.   But in the meantime, I suppose it's not surprising, that coupled with the flare-ups of MS symptoms over the winter and spring, my depression increased.   I sought help and guidance through therapy, which has been insurmountable in getting me beyond all of this nastiness.  Currently, I feel like I've come out on the other side of a dark storm, having barely survived, the debris of my efforts scattered.  Relationships seem to still be tender, as people are unsure of my state...given my previous behaviors, I don't blame them.  But, I can look at babies and not fantasize about running off with them, not want to die, and can stay in a grocery line without having to leave my full basket crying.  (God, as I write this, it is still difficult for me to accept I was so bad!) This late spring summer, I learned my sister, cousin, and two best friends are pregnant, all due around the same time...and I didn't lose it and am legitimately happy for them!  Honestly!  I really feel I've come to terms with our situation and am coping much better.  Sure, I'm still sad, we both are.  But I'm also grateful for what I do have.

Just one more thing...(said in Colombo style.  May have some audience members too young to remember him, so just Google it.  It's funny, I swear.).  People that are very close to us, and know exactly what we've been through, know that we had three failed medicated (daily injections, artificial insemination, blah, blah, blah) fertility treatments, on top of all the other testing, blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds you go through.  We prayed.  We BELIEVED.  People were praying for us.  I lost 42 lbs to get in a better weight range to promote conception.  I stopped drinking (which was literally a couple glasses of red wine/week, not a lot, but something I consciously cut out to optimize my chances, is the point).  The last round, in June, 2013, I was CONVINCED the procedure had taken.  I just knew, within the depths of my heart, that the cramping I was experiencing was implantation (I'll remind you I was pregnant before, so know what it's like).  I just knew, that the spotting occurring was part of implantation.  When I actually started my period, I lost it, fearing I was having a miscarriage.  I never let in the notion that this was just my period coming, as scheduled, per normal.  Maybe my desperation had to do with knowing we couldn't afford any more treatments, so this was it for medical assistance and intervention.  I don't know what it was back then, but thinking back...it's just that's what I believed, with every thread of my being, that it had worked and I was pregnant.  I had told my husband so.  I told friends and family so.  I BELIEVED.  Hopefully with this part of the story, it helps you understand why I "lost it" soon after.  

The thing that has been bothering me lately is recently overhearing someone who is aware of our story say, "Well, all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed."  ......um, what?  I did, I DO have the faith of a mustard seed.  Is it the suggestion then, that because we did not get pregnant, that it was my lack of faith?  It seems like it, huh?  ...and I'm unbelievably hurt...and angry...and sad... I'm not one that subscribes to the philosophy of, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be," or, "God has a different plan for us."  That's not the way I was raised.  I was taught the scriptures of Matthew, where it states, "Ask, and ye shall receive, " and "If you believe, you shall receive."  Not to get all churchy on you, I'm just saying, I know what I'm talking about and when I say these words, "I BELIEVE!" I know all that that means.  Wow.  I'm having some difficulty getting beyond that: is it really my fault then??  Was there a sprinkle of doubt in the back of my head that sabotaged our efforts?? 

Maybe because I'm not crazy anymore, I'm getting the itch to pursue assistance again and determine the probability of us getting pregnant.  I'm wondering if it's a second chance to prove I have the faith of a mustard seed, or not to bother, because I clearly don't.  What I also remembered on a long run (clarity during a long run - do figure! :P) was that my drive last summer in training for the Half was because of this: because I was so convinced the last treatment worked, I remember for a brief second being disappointed that I wouldn't be able to run the Inaugural Detroit Women's Half Marathon.  So when it didn't work, I figured I jinxed myself (I don't even believe in jinxes, so that gives an indication of where my head was already), and owed it to the baby I couldn't have, to train for it and conquer it.  I rarely gave up last summer.  This summer, every excuse that comes my way, I take.  I'm nowhere near where I should be, could be, and want to be.  

I'm trying to reconcile harnessing the motivation I had last year, without the life-altering loss, as well as wrapping my head around mustard seeds and next efforts.  

Labor Day...labor!

Well, not in THAT sense of labor, buuuuut...

Let me explain:  For 4 years now, we have gone to Mackinaw to walk The Mighty Mac, the 5-mile long suspension bridge connecting the Lower Penninsula to the Upper Penninsula (for you out-of-staters ;)).  For the first 2 years, Vivian was in her stroller, safely locked in.  Last year, I'm not even going to lie:  I bought a leash to use with her because she was a runner and I couldn't rest without trying to put in some safety measures.  Luckily for us (her??), it was just too dang cold and rainy that morning to drag a potty-training 3-year-old across that bridge, so we sadly resigned to not going.  THIS year was a different story.  She's potty-trained, has several 5Ks under her belt, listens to us better (thank GOD); a good combination for a great morning walk.  Would you believe she chickened out early on?  Here's our "labor:"

...for nearly the whole 5 miles.  She's lucky she's so cute.  I can see why some parents in the animal kingdom eat their young... (clearly just kidding).

Amazing views, though:

 (YES! That's the water waaaay down there!)

I don't know why that bridge (it's beauty not even captured in the far background there), is just so beautiful to observe, but it is.  Never gets old.  

I'd like to say I got in some runs...and I COULD get the words out, buuuuut...I didn't actually DO the runs.  My Half Marathon is 18 days away...yikes.  BUT!  We did go on some pretty great hikes through the Headlands, where there's a designated International Dark Sky site!

Vivian chatting it up with friend, Aiden

Vi exploring the shores of Lake Michigan

So, we had a fantastic weekend with great friends.  Plenty of activity, but no runs...and I'm okay with that.  I hiked a 65+ pound, 4-ft tall (yes, you read that right) 4-year-old, 5 miles across a bridge.  We'll call that strength training.  ;)