Commitment Phobia

Well, as I discussed before, my only races have been less than a handful of 5Ks, with less-than-stellar times.  Recently, I learned due to several reasons, I'm not going to be able to get pregnant and have a child with my husband.  There's a long history to this, and maybe I'll get into it later, but the important you need to know today is that this development has devastated me.  I worked HARD to lose 41 lbs (still have more to go, but this got me to a weight that would make conception more possible) over the recent 5 months to better my chances.  In fact, was irritated I was told I can't run during the fertility treatment process, to better my chances.  Well, now that I can run, I was thinking I have to run.  Like, getting pregnant has been taken from my control, but I can control whether or not I run, how much, how long, and how efficient I become.

With that in mind, I then had 4 weeks until the first anniversary of my inaugural 5K run, and of course wanted to PR (hopefully not hard to do since coming in at over 46 minutes last time).  Then, what next?

I've researched the Detroit Women's 1/2 Marathon and would love to be part of that.  My insecurity still tells me I'm not really a "runner," and not to embarrass myself.  But, with 16 weeks to train, can't I put that in the realm of possibility?

That's where my commitment phobia settles in and has made a home.  If I half-ass approach it, like, well, I'm acting as if I were going to run a 1/2 in 4 months, then maybe I could.  Or, maybe I just "choose" not to at the last minute.  Sigh...

I've read countless blogs where running has given so many others a level of confidence, self-assurance. When will mine begin?  Don't get me wrong, I do acknowledge I've already achieved some level of this, because I keep doing it!  I just want to know that it is ok, more than ok, for me to strive for such a thing as a 1/2 marathon with only a couple 5Ks on my belt.

And...well, really grab a hold of this one thing I can control, and really rock it...

I've researched the training programs, and have decided to follow the Jeff Galloway beginner 1/2 program.  I'm on week one.  I've mostly followed it... My "long run" of 3 miles today.  It's gotten inside my head, man.  I've run 3.1 before, obviously, but because we've dubbed this the "long run," I'm psyched out.  Should I run inside or out?  On the 'mill to control my pace, or outside to practice for the real race?  These decisions keep me here, blogging, instead of working on it...  =P