My Coming-Out Announcement

I'm pretty sure it's not what you're thinking... Catchy title, though, huh?  *snarky grin*

I've hinted around to it for some time now.  And even when people straight up ask me, I stumble, looking for my words, minimize it, avoid it, and even denied it.  I've really, REALLY struggled with admitting it, because I am afraid of the looks, cynicism, don't want to feel the doubt others have and I fight on the daily.  You can't go back, really, after verbalizing such a thing...

Hi, my name is Amy, and I...

...I am training for a triathlon.

*GASP*

I KNOW, RIGHT?!  If you're rolling your eyes because it's not what you thought I'd say, good.  If you're rolling your eyes because you're exasperated by yet another attempt of mine to own this body and condition it to be the machine I know it can be, please do not pass "GO," and immediately direct your cursor to the small "X" on your browser's tab.  I'm not making any apologies for not even wanting to hear your arguments, "sincere concern," against it.  Good day, Sir! (-Willy Wonka, first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

If you're still here, thank you.  There's like 3 of you who read this randomness from my head now, and I think 2 of you are probably still here.  *blush*

Let me tell you about what's been happening since I started this and couldn't fully admit it.  Remember whenever we'd go to the lake and I'd INSIST on wearing the life-jacket, or being the one to carry the float??  WELL.  I can swim.  Like, laps even! WITHOUT a life preserver! HAHAHA!!  I have these God-sent coaches (directed to me by Finding Her Happy Pace) with Be Bold Crew (click here for their Facebook page and you can get a taste of how supportive they are, genuine, and interested in building you both physically AND mentally).

It's not pretty, but if you're interested, this was a video my coach took of my first full 50 yards (2 POOL LENGTHS!!) without stopping.

Other things that have been made available to me for training are cycling classes, running clinics, a mechanics class for strength-training to promote injury-free training/racing, and didactic sessions including goal-setting, nutrition class, gear clinic, and more!  Admittedly, I embarked on this journey with only my toe in the water, so to speak.  I thought, I'll train with them, but I won't do an event.  It's really to keep me moving through the winter since it's typically so hard on my body.  I had a secret desire all along, and it was simply fear-based that I couldn't fully commit, or even admit, that I was going to do this.

The other night, I attended the mechanics class.  I'm definitely the oldest and most, well, we'll leave it at "out of shape" in ALL the classes.  It's a little intimidating.  But I'll tell you, that's MY issue.  It's not because anyone else makes me feel that way.  In fact, everyone...EVERY ONE is so supportive, helpful, encouraging, and seems to believe in my ability even when I question it.  A little, ok, A LOT embarrassing: at class I found myself suddenly a bit...off.  Dizzy, like.  OMG.  Everyone was working so hard, I didn't want to have to stop and disappoint anyone for not working as hard! (I know, I told you I was "off.") I couldn't even trust myself to get back in the groove, though...WORST. NIGHTMARE.  Again, the problem was ALL ME, though.  NO ONE made me feel embarrassed, snickered, or otherwise.  In fact, offered support, encouragement, identified I needed to hydrate and I even got a chocolate! WHAAAT?! YES!  And after the episode, helped me to identify what may have triggered it and how to help avoid it going forward.  These women are funny, supportive, STRONG, genuine...and I'm so proud to be associated with them.  I can't keep that a secret any longer.  I don't even want to...(well, kinda, but I'm working through it. *blush*).

I have swim class tonight.  And I'm actually excited! Actually, while the swimming part is the scariest for me, it's the one I look forward to most.  My neurologist is happy to hear I'm in the pool, and I can tell the difference this winter in trying to control stupid MS flare-ups by being in the pool.  Of course the zero-impact aspect is amazing, but the constant pressure of the water helps to quell some of the muscle spasms! Don't tell the coaches, but it's like one hour a week of massage therapy...with sore arms the next day! *wink wink*

So there it is:  I'm out.  *grin*  I'm training for a triathlon.

You know I struggle with motivation and accountability.  I'll tell you, finally committing to this has triggered my motivation! The accountability has been a huge part, but by being there, I'm actually getting validated that my efforts are worth it, which perpetuates the motivation.  I guess it doesn't have to be a tri, for sure, but maybe you could commit to something, too??

Sometimes I can be a real A-Hole

I will thank you in advance for not being judgy...

I haven't written in a while.  Mostly because I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and do it.  I often have a running "blog" going on in my mind that I think would transfer beautifully to my page...if I ever got around to it.

At the risk of sounding too whiney or depressed, I'll try and be brief about this:

January was unexpectedly difficult, physically and mentally.
I was SO encouraged through December, planning for success this year.  I even reminded myself of the stupidity surrounding the New Year resolution concept, allowing for just being excited to start something new, no matter the time, so I wouldn't feel the inherent pressure that comes along with resolutions and has contributed to my failure accomplishing them year after year.  I sought support in others in the community, building the kind of network that keeps you excited and want to continue with it.  I signed up for things to solidify my commitment.  I was ready.

I can't say what triggered it exactly.  I was overcome with a lack of energy...paralyzed with overwhelming lethargy.  Too tired to even care that my goals were slipping through the hour glass like the sands of time.  People reached out to me, true enough.  This is how I can be an A-Hole at times:  do you know I couldn't bring myself to respond...engage??  Again I had the running commentary in my head with them, but could never get up and actually do it.  I didn't work.  I didn't take care of my home.  Scrambled at the last minute to help my little one meet her mountain of homework responsibilities (for Kindergarten!), all-in-all setting a horrible example and modeling someone I never want her to be.

I did manage to power-through a few sessions of swimming with the Bold Beginners group through the Be Bold Crew, though.  I was totally amped after, too!  During my 50-min drive home I composed an exciting entry that would reflect my new-found admiration for the Crew, their support, and share how I was transformed into feeling the possibility and potential in myself by their kind words, direction, and support.  By the time I got home, my body was realizing how cold it was outside and responded accordingly with its typical propensity to seize and the mere suggestion of moving resulted in pain.  It quickly deflated my sense of accomplishment and motivation.

As quickly as it came on, the fog is quickly lifting and I'm left with some shame, a lot of embarrassment, and anxiety to my very core regarding what I've missed, who I let down, and the fear of irreparable damages.  That is almost enough to keep me in bed behaving the same way...

I'm frankly sick of my inaction, though, and sick of the way I feel, so I'm forcing facing it and forging forward (sooooo many "f"s, but I can't think of a way to reword it!)! I'm not sure what that looks like today, but I think it starts with accountability, so here I am.  Admitting you have a problem is the first step, as they say...

Making amends is a step, too.  I've left a lot of people hanging and simply neglected others, and I'm sorry for being this A-Hole.  It's not for lack of importance to me, I assure you, and hopefully I'll be able to prove that in short order.

I was supposed to join my Bold Beginners group for a bike ride this morning (I think it's bike not run week).  I was too intimidated, my confidence so shaken.  I gotta get that mess under control...it's only creating a barrier to me feeling better and getting better, I know it.  My eating has been better, but not great.  If you know me, then you know that since I was feeling like that in January, my emotions were starving and demanded being fed their sweets to feel better.  I know, I know...it didn't really help, but even I admit the temporary satiation was a welcome reprieve at the time... No one can tell me food is not a drug.

OH!  I may regret this public proclamation, but I've got to release its power over me:  I'm also sick of feeling jealous over others' efforts and accomplishments.  I've tricked myself into feeling "less than" and adopted a pervasive sense of "inability" when seeing others continue to persevere and work toward their goals.  This is so shameful.  And it is in EVERY facet of life, not just the whole health and wellness bit.  I've experienced this physical pang when

• observing other parents seemingly so easily interacting with their kids, not having to talk through clenched teeth to successfully redirect them
• my husband enjoying time with my daughter at the expense of maintaining the house and not appearing to be bothered by its state
• people get to travel or share their experiences with fascinating nights out
• co-workers easily achieve productivity standards and accolades 
• peers excel at swim class and pick up on technique and ability faster than I
• friends post about their own efforts and achievements in their health and wellness endeavors

This is so shameful.  It's disgusting, and I CAN say with confidence, it's not who I am.  This is being an A-Hole.  I know and am fully aware there are extenuating circumstances and realities behind every facade with which I am faced.  My life is MY life and journey and cannot possibly be compared to any one, or any thing, else; it would not be comparing apples to apples.  My fear and insecurity briefly got the best of me, and I look forward to viewing these scenarios with clarity again.  Not using everything as a tool of measurement to determine how I am somehow inadequate.  GOD...everything is NOT about me, honestly! Jeeesh... *smh* SO embarrassing...

So, if you're still reading this, it means I have bravely (stupidly??) left this entry up as evidence of what it's like to go through a bad phase, proof I am a flawed human, and maybe even as a testimony to the possibility of positive change.

Again, I thank you for not being too judgy, and know I aim that you should never have to deal with this person again.  :)

2016: What do you want to do, what will you do, and what can you do?

I fall into the excitement every year of the notion of using the New Year and boring winter following the excitement of the holidays to use as a marker of new-er beginnings, a time most available to focus on positive changes and new endeavors.  Honestly, I think it's a bit cliche', too, but ya feel what ya feel, ya know?

Resolutions are the buzz word this time of year, but we often forget the resolve that must be present to help make those resolutions come to fruition.  So I've found it breaks down like this most commonly:

• There's resolutions I want to make (lose a bunch of weight, get fit, new job, move, everything everyone else wants...)
• There's resolutions I will do (at least try to be more diligent in better food choices, meal-planning and preparing, consistent schedules for working out, blah blah blah, keep up with my blog because I've found it to be a safe outlet, an important act of getting out some thoughts and feelings that proves to be therapeutic and worthwhile.)
• There's resolutions I can do.  

I came across this article that was a refreshing offering for resolutions "Only the Most Successful People Make."  I thought, "Hey.  What kinds of things are successful people committing to, and how can I implement that to be successful, too?"  What I loved about this list is it doesn't include trite things like "donate to a charity," or "adopt a road" or such things.  Don't get me wrong: if it's in your heart to do such things, PLEASE DO! I was part of a group that adopted a section of highway once and while it was hard work, loved driving that section later knowing I had a part in keeping the community safe and beautiful.  However, to reference these acts as something "only the most successful people do" in terms of a resolution, new-year-new-you, I think it's in poor taste.  Just my opinion, but I think resolutions should come from your heart, for something that blesses you.  Doing things for the glory doesn't seem congruent with that...

But I digress...

There were 17 resolutions, and I'll list some of my favs here.  The article is worth the read, so jump on over...after you finish reading this, of course... *wink*

• Start one thing you've always planned to start. You don't even have to finish! The fear of not being able to finish something has very often stopped me from even starting.  I can certainly commit to simply START on something, then check it as accomplished! Maybe I'll be brave enough to take another step, maybe I have to wait until next year to do it; who cares?  I officially started it, something I never did before.
• Ask one person for help.  NOT as a result of, "Look how brave you are recognizing your own limitations and seeking help..."  The article suggests that asking someone for help inherently acknowledges that persons skills and values, and conveys your respect and admiration for it.  What a great way to help someone feel great about just being them! AND that you get something from it to help in your efforts is just a huge bonus.  
• Just once, refuse to care what other people think.  Yeah, I know, it reads a little prosaic.  We all know this is what we're supposed to do.  I think the point was applying the concept specifically to something we'd like to try, and not letting our fear of what other people will think about it stop us from doing it.  I recall being terrified that once others found out I was planning to run my first Half Marathon and my reasons why, I would be faced with their doubt as to whether I could actually do it, their judgment regarding why I needed to do it...and maybe just seeing my own fear in their eyes...  But this was one time in my life I managed to refuse to care and forged forward anyway; and WHAT A REWARD!!  This blog entry is actually about my second time running that Half Marathon...because I didn't care what others thought. *high five*
• Embrace one thing another person does.  I mean, why recreate the wheel?! Look, we all have people we admire, would like to emulate, maybe even harness some envy over their abilities and accomplishments... How about pick something they do and incorporate it into your own routine/lifestyle?  Everything doesn't work for everyone, for sure...but I've learned feeding my emotions rarely gets me to my end goal, so I can stop embracing that as an option.  I'd like to embrace that chic at the gym's focus and seems to consistently show up at least 3 days/week...

So, these are just 4 of the 17.  Definitely read the original article, though.  I just found it to suggest such fun resolutions that I can see may easily lead to accomplishing some of those bigger resolutions later! It's helped to shift my perspective of what I want, will, and CAN do this new year.  *feeling hopeful*

How about you??

Planners: people AND books

Are you a planner?  Do you USE a planner?  What works best for you? Paper or electronic??

Goodness..you really have to plan to use a planner now... *eye roll*

Or...I'm once again making a bigger deal out of research than the actual act itself...IDK...

I have struggled in the recent 5 years with hard core switching over to electronic versions of everything, just because it's usually always with me because generally my phone can access it.  Dates, appointments, to-do lists (get shoved in the calendar, tasks, or notepad app on my iPhone), contact info...is ALL in my phone.

It's not sexy, though.  I mean, say I enter "Girl's Camp Weekend" in my August monthly calendar.  I want to be able to write little notes right there associated with it; lists to pack, purchase, or training plans in case those clowns plan another 5K race on our weekend, you know??  My husband has me linked to a couple of "list" apps that he and I can add to, complete, and update virtually so we both know what has been done and what remains...but I don't love it.  My brain doesn't always think in segments like that; food in grocery app, packing in another app, things to consider for later....goes where??

You see my dilemma.  BUT, I also worry I won't always have my tangible planner with me, then what?

(I just re-read this entry thus far and I'm embarrassed at the first-world-problem nature of it.  For the record...)

I've got big goals and dreams brewing this year, and I'm respond well to visual cues for organization. For the first time in quite a few years I have an excitement (which doesn't always = motivation, but you get it) flirting with possibility... Mixed with a little desperation that one day I may not be able to accomplish certain things, calls for focus and optimizing time, money, and ... well, whatever else gets in the way.

So, from my known audience of two, what do you like to use, if anything?  What have you found helpful/a waste?  Thank you in advance, you know who you are.  <3

It's the presents...and the presence.

It's cheeky, but you know it's true.

Presents:  OMG.  Shopping, budgeting, shopping, lists, cutbacks, tears, wrapping, running out of paper, running out of tape, 50 million one-last-gifts because you forgot someone...  It causes me to drink.  And eat.  MORE.  Just kidding, it just gave me better reasons to do so. *evil grin*  Seriously.  While I sincerely love every bit of friends and family gatherings, I'm the one that allows it to make me feel stressed.  Truthfully, I am fully aware if I were more organized it would lead to being more efficiently budgeted, and afford me the availability to do more of what I like during the holidays.  I mean, even participating in cookie exchanges, I have to find the time to figure out what I can bake, since I'm challenged in the kitchen, purchasing the ingredients, then baking 4-7 dozen of whatever! OH! and don't forget all the Kindergarten crafts, donations, parties, etc...  Again, I LOVE every bit of it.  I just don't manage the ancillary things in my life well enough to fully enjoy the other parts.  I'd love to do more, for everyone.

Presence:  I'm either partaking a little too much in the present, or not enough.  Too much in that every little thing is a celebration, gathering, excuse to eat and drink gluttonously.  I mean, I'm completely embracing being present in the moment and making the most of it! Pie? SURE! Cocktails? PLEASE! Second helpings? INDEED! Workout? Oh...um, I'd love to but I have a party to go to...  *snicker*  When I'm not enough in the present, it's for the above paragraph.  See my conundrum?

I have this constant nagging, justification...fear this ride will end 1/1/16: "Oh, I'll be more consistent with eating, working out, healthier lifestyle then...all the parties are over."  Not.  Good.  For whatever it's worth, I HAVE been making decent food choices when I'm not shoveling my face full of Christmas cookies, pies, decadence, and liquor.

Thankful at Thanksgiving

I've avoiding this damn blog because I was afraid of what I might write...  Processing things is a funny process...

To catch up, I'll just mention some things I found myself thinking about a week ago and for which I need to express my gratitude.  I swear, I'm thankful all year round, but this is a good time to call some special attention to some special things.

• I had to attend my final hearing related to (finally) the arrest of the person stalking me.  In some ways, I feel sorry for him; only because he was offered so many resources and help, but made conscious decisions not to make the most of them.  The result is a sentencing to 38 months in prison.  It's quite scary and am grateful I don't have to worry about every door slam outside of my home, or when it's too quiet, or the doorbell rings, or walking how of my home to see something traumatic that can't be undone...  I'm thankful to the judge who saw the situation for the severity it is, and has given my family some peace for a while.
• While I've experienced several relapses and experience outbreak symptoms, my MRI is stable on my current medication regime.  I'm thankful for my health and the ability to do as much as I still can.
• My dad and his family came to visit for the weekend, as well as my husband's mom, both from out of state.  We had a houseful, and it was fun! My daughter loved having family around, and I loved watching her enjoy their presence and share so many of her things with them like her stories, toys, and movies...maybe more than they would've care for at times, HA!  I'm thankful for my extensive family and the close relationships we have, and that my daughter is making the most of them as well.  She likes to remind me, "I'm bored when it's just the three of us!"
• I had the opportunity to teach at my church the weekend of Thanksgiving, and since my dad was in town, he came, too.  The subject was "Having Your Needs Met When You Need Them Met."  As always, it was a very timely topic for me to have to study and prepare to share with others.  The ways of this world make it so easy for me to be distracted and overwhelmed.  I've been full of angst and worry over the previous legal situation, my job, and the licensing for my education.  Oh how I forget that worrying about it, doesn't change the result, or make it come any faster.  It was comforting to be reminded that I need not be anxious for anything, but with prayer and supplication and thanksgiving, my needs will be met.  Whatever your belief system is, it's always nice to be grounded it in again.  I'm thankful I have a relationship with my God, that I can count on Him and have peace that my needs will be met.
• This year has been a pretty major transition in the friend department: I lost a lot of them.  Not to death, but more than likely my mouth.  I went through an ugly time period with health and life, and my attitude and disposition were difficult to be around.  I'm certain they'd have a less understanding description, but I think you get the picture.  It took a lot of growth, that I'm still endeavoring to do, and I've moving beyond it.  Unfortunately, my relationship with many suffered and ultimately were part of the carnage of my destructive path.  I feel heartbroken and sad over the loss, of course.  I've only recently gotten to the point where I understand I have to accept it and let go...AND embrace the meaningful friendships I am blessed to still have.  I am thankful for my friendships and value each and every one of them.
• I have met so many cool people over these last three years through running.  Following their blogs has provided information, inspiration, support, relatability, and ... a notion that I can achieve more! I am thankful I have been introduced to resources that will help keep me on track and propel me into further growth! 

It's not too early...or too late! Making 2016 goals.

I get the importance of having goals, in fact I LOVE the idea.  It's actually putting an idea into words that terrifies me.  I usually make general statements that loosely include something I MIGHT want to accomplish...that way no disappointment when I don't.

Something inside of me screams, "You're getting too old to worry about what you MIGHT not achieve, you may not have the ability to soon!"  I shared a secret desire what a fitness-fan friend of mine recently (Finding Her Happy Pace!).  It was the result of my actually reaching out to get some more information about how to find a coach or a training program that fits with me.  She connected me with some amazing resources, like OMG amazing.  It ACTUALLY seems feasible...attainable!

So...I've never made serious goals, with serious plans, with serious action.  It's never too late, right? ....right??

I'm not making them in this entry.  Just getting this far in the plan making is MUCH further than I ever have.  I WILL be making goals including objectives to help accomplish them.  It DOES include some fitness and overall health and wellness goals that are pretty special and significant to me, so stay tuned if you're interested.

I think it's worth mentioning that as I write this, I'm not feeling it.  I mean, my motivation ebbs and flows, my excitement does not.  I think it's pretty cool I still intend to follow through on such a thought, and it's not at the mercy of fleeting, lofty ideals.  So maybe you could consider it, too?  Do you have any secret desires or goals?  What would it take to start working on them?

I'm running the Kona Chocolate Double tomorrow in Plymouth.  I'm nervous! But I'm also excited and feeling blessed I'm still here planning to do it and able.  Small pleasures make for big deals.  :)